FAnMAIL – R.I.P. Nice Black Man

@Carrington

I don’t even think that’s the type that MOST Black women want. It just seems to be the type that many women express or own up to. Maybe it depends on where you look. I went to majority-White schools and college from high school on up and NONE of the Black girls there wanted that type. (Most of us were from the hood and knew that “type” all too well so we KNEW BETTER.)

Nonetheless, most of the Black girls wanted the Will Smith type, and the Wacka Flocka type got no play from anything but “Night-Stalking” White girls.

So it’s definitely not all of us, because I never have and never WILL like that type. I need you to have an education, decent credit, a job, ambitions, MANNERS (let me say it again), MANNERS!, decorum, civility, chivalry….man, don’t even get me started…..

@Ms. Truth

Thank you for trying to explain it to me. I kind of get that you were attracted to the money and floss and luxury of his lifestyle. Okay-I see that point. But I’ve seen many females who like bad boys only because they were “bad.” No education, no “dope-boy” money, no house, no car, just shiftless negroes with a record, kids, babymamas and a bad weed habit. Where is the reasoning in those cases?

And you were from the hood, so I assume you knew what eventually became of MOST drug dealers at some point. Weren’t you afraid of being accidently shot or something while riding in that “dope boy” BMW. I don’t know. Maybe everything I saw in my lifetime on my block spooked me, because I just couldn’t….

But thank you for explaining.

@Man I Just Don’t Care

Who wants a man like that?! I lie to you not, as fine and great and cahrming as a dude may be, the minute he does any of the following:

1) Acts in a manner which embarasses me in public (loud, cursing, no decorum)

2) Pops up with a criminal record or has involvement in any illicit activities

3) Mentions he has “kids”

4) Mentions he’s involved with anybody else in any other way

5) Drops any signs or talk of being “emotionally unavailable”

6) Makes me realize he’s just an utter and complete idiot

…my p*ssy dries up IMMEDIATELY and I lose interest. Who has time for that crap whether they are male OR female?

@iScream

I kind of get it. I think that EastPointVet is saying that he doesn’t want a woman whom he has to chase, but he doesn’t want a desperate one either. A lot of females nowadays confuse “single” with “desperate” and will go to embarassing (and annoying) lengths to try and net a man (especially if he’s a good catch.)

I’m assuming (now, I could be wrong), EastPoint meant he wants a woman who likes him but is not obsessive about having him to the point it reeks of desperation and “trying to hard.”

Now again, I COULD be wrong….

@Civil

I have the same problem. Some people view it as selfish, but that’s fine. If I don’t come to the table with kids, baggage, a criminal record, a bad attitude and so forth…..I don’t expect anyone sitting across from my table to have those things either.

I’m trying to start and build my own family, not wing it off of what you made with the chick before me. Me and the kids WE have together will need to have 110% of your time, energy and income, so yeah….I can’t share you with ANYBODY…offspring or not. Sorry.

@EastPointVet

I’m sorry…but I’m selfish. (Actually, no- I’m NOT sorry.) I don’t want to deal with YOU or your babymama/ex-wife/friends-with-benefits drama! I don’t have kids and I still like to be free. I expect the same of my man. When I want to travel, I don’t want to hear “but I got lil man-man this week, I cant.”

When I say, “babe-let’s start saving up for this house.” I don’t want to hear: “I can try, but you know so-and-so just started getting child support garnished out of my check, so I’m going to be short on cash for a while.” WTF?!

This is going to sound harsh, but I am keeping it honest all the way: just like a female’s “stock” plummets once she is an unwed mother with a kid, so does a male’s once he’s an unwed father with a kid!

The double standard does NOT exist to me. If you got a kid, go find you a person who has one as well and get with them, you will both be on level ground. But at age 24, as of right now….I’m NOT on that ground with you. So no- I will NOT date you. I’m selfish and I know it. And should you be so trifling as to start neglecting your child to make me happy, I would definitely dump your sorry a** anyway….so consider this me saving you the trouble.

And thats another reason why I won’t date men with kids unless the other parent is deceased…..

@Ms. Truth

I have friends with kids where the kid’s other parent is in a relationship……

All of them are STILL screwing each other from time-to-time. EVERY….SINGLE…ONE…OF…THEM.

No ma’am. I can’t. I’ll be in jail somewhere. Nope. I pass.

@EastPointVet

Unless he’s a deadbeat dad (in that case, I definitely DON’T want him as that speaks volumes about his character), there will ALWAYS be a time & money issue. He will have to provide or spend time with them SOMETIME, won’t he? Or unless his kids are fully grown (20+), but I don’t date men that much older than me anyway. LOL!

And drama just comes with the territory. You arguing with the mama about the kids = DRAMA. You have to go over your ex’s house to help her do something cause she don’t have a man around= THIRSTY DRAMA. Shuttling the kids back and forth between each other’s house on opposite weeks = DRAMA TO YOUR & OUR SCHEDULE. Drama is universal in this scenario unless one of the parents is deceased.

I just choose to avoid that struggle altogether. I know it sounds harsh and narrow, but at least I know where I stand on it and I let everybody else know up front too.

@Man

I have two cousins who don’t have kids near and over 30 and their plumbing is just fine. But they are rather “successful” for their ages so they are choosing to wait until they get the guy they want (one is about to get married so I think she’ll drop on sooner or later.)

I think that many women who are of a more “rare” league (I’m trying to put it nicely) wait longer for kids because there’s no rush and they’d rather get all of their LIVING out of the way before they settle down with kids.

I’m the same way. Don’t look to see a kid from me before 28 (if I’m married, finish my master’s and have a house). It’ll be even later than 28 if all three of those things haven’t been accomplished yet.

No matter what though…I refuse to be a “babymama.” They are some strong women and I applaud them for that, but it’s just not the road for me. Wife first, mother second-that’s my motto. (And master’s and buying a house somewhere in between those two.)

@EastPointVet

Well- you may be a special case. But still, you will still have to deal with your daughter from that woman and provide for your child as well, so you would still have a time/money/energy conflict when it came to me. But like I said, I’m selfish, so maybe it’s just an issue for me.

But I don’t have any baggage from dealing with guys and kids. I’ve never dealt with a guy who had kids. EVER. I’ve rarely come across them and when I meet them and one or two convos into it, they mention it, I immediately stop the chase. (Kind of mean, I know, but I don’t lead folks on.)

@Man

I usually don’t say “never” or “won’t.” But I’m steadfast on that issue. You want kids, I need a ring and a house at the VERY least.

@Ms. Everything & Man

Wait a minute now. I never said I would only date a dude because of what he had/didn’t have. If you look at my earlier post, I clearly used my current as an example of somebody who had NOTHING when I met him, but I was more than happy to help him build.

However-I do expect the minimum. Nobody I date is under 26 at this point. I expect you to have 1) a job (unless you are the victim of the recession- I can understand that); 2) NO KIDS (cause I don’t have any); 3) No Criminial record (cause I don’t have one)…etc.

I also said in comment 196, as a person “I don’t expect my man to come to the table with anything I do NOT have.” That was in reply to DBlaq saying some folks expect so much but offer so little. I never said my credit was good (it’s really not) or that I had a benz or anything. But what I said is that if I DON’T have something, I don’t expect my partner to have it either. It’s about not expecting way more than you can offer-being level.

I don’t know where you two got: “materialism” and thinking I implied that I would only date a dude on the merits of what he “has” from. I actually pretty much stated the opposite. So ya’ll are kind of jumping the gun here, no?

@Man
Read it again THEN jump off the deep end. You took that staement far away from what it said and kind of took it a bit personal. Wanna talk about it?

It’s all love though.

@Man (this is late but I don’t get on the computer after I leave work.)

“I don’t expect my man to come to the table with anything I do NOT have.” —–>I DON’T. IF I DON’T HAVE A CAR, HE DOESN’T NEED TO HAVE ONE EITHER. IF I DON’T HAVE KIDS, NEITHER SHOULD HE, ETC., ETC., ETC. {PLEASE BARE IN MIND THAT THIS PART OF MY RESPONSE WAS IN REFERENCE TO AN EARLIER REMARK POSTED BY DBLAQ. CONTEXT IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS WHAT IS WRITTEN.}

Then YOU describe yourself as:
“It’s a rarity here to find a female over age 21 without kids as well. And to find one educated, with her own stuff, a good job AND without kids is damn near impossible, hence why my cousins & I sometimes get the *side-eye*, but we also get the pick of the litter.” —–> IT IS RARE AND YOU CO-SIGNED THIS YOURSELF IN YOUR EARLIER POST.

So putting 2 and 2 together, that means your man should have:

1. An education—->WELL WOULD YA LOOK AT THAT?! AN EDUCATION! [YES, HOW DARE I WANT AN EDUCATED MAN?! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?! DON’T I KNOW MIDDLE-SCHOOL DROP-OUTS HAVE THE BRIGHEST FUTURES AND ARE THE MOST MOTIVATED?!

2. His own “stuff” ——> NOBODY I DEAL WITH IS UNDER 26-27 AT THIS POINT, HOW DARE I ASK MY MATE TO HAVE SAY SOMETHING LIKE….A CAR [MAKE/MODEL/YEAR DOESN’T MATTER]….OR A BANK ACCOUNT….OR EVEN NOT BE STILL LIVING IN HIS MAMA’S BASEMENT?! ONCE AGAIN-SILLY ME, DON’T I KNOW HIS MAMA MAKES THE BEST FOOD?!

3. A good job —-> ME? WANT A LEGALLY, GAINFULLY EMPLOYED MAN….WHO THE F**K DO I THINK I AM?!

4. No Kids —-> DAMMIT IF I AIN’T A MATERIALISTIC TRICK!! I REALLY NEED TO JUST BE SATISFIED WITH RAY-RAY, HIS 4 BABY-MAMAS & 8 KIDS, IN HIS MAMA’S BASEMENT, PLAYING PS3 WHILE SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH HIS NEWEST INFANT LAYING ON THE COUCH BESIDE HIM.

5. “his pick of the litter —->THIS IS SUBJECTIVE. ANYBODY & EVERYBODY IS GOING TO THINK THEIR OPTIONS ARE UNLIMITED, SO THIS IS A MOOT POINT, MORE RHETORICAL THAN LITERAL.

These are YOUR words boo and they sound materialistic. I’m not the only one that thought so. ——> SO….A MAN WITH A JOB, AN EDUCATION, NOT IN HIS MOTHER’S HOUSE, WITH NO KIDS EQUALS “MATERIALISTIC.” WOW! WHAT HOODRAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM WHERE THIS IS MATERIALISTIC AND NOT CALLED…OH…I DON’T KNOW….”HAVING STANDARDS!!” BUT THEN AGAIN…YOU ARE A SUPPORTER OF “OPEN-RELATIONSHIPS” [VIA ONE OF YOUR EARLIER REMARKS} WHICH TELLS ME THAT YOU PROBABLY DON’T HAVE MANY STANDARDS WHICH YOUR MATES SHOULD FIT EXCEPT A WARM AND TIGHT VAGINA. SO…I’M NOT SURPRISED AT YOUR LOGIC.

I think Sandra has found another “narcissist.”—> I’LL TAKE THAT CHARGE.

Get over yourself boo. You a dime a dozen.—–> REALLY? IN COMMENT #147 YOU SAID “I almost give a black woman around the age of 30 the side eye if they don’t have ANY children…..Yeah, I know. It’s just a rarity, particularly where I’m from.”

AND IN COMMENT #178 AFTER I SAID IT WAS RARE TO FIND MY TYPE WHERE I’M FROM, YOU RESPONDED: “With the exception of having children, that actually describes most of the black women I know.” ——> SO JUDGING BY YOUR STATEMENTSM SEEING AS I DON’T HAVE KIDS….I GUESS I’M A LITTLE BIT LESS COMMON THAN “A DIME A DOZEN,” HUH?

PICK YOURSELF UP & TRY AGAIN, BABES. STOP TRYING TO CUT YOUR NOSE OFF JUST TO SPITE YOUR FACE.

AND…IT’S STILL ALL LOVE.

**Sorry for writing this long a** novel, ya’ll.**