The following email is a long read. But this story is important because it highlights the injustice of a family court system that still favors the mother’s rights over the father’s.
In a society where delinquent fathers abandon their families and ignore their responsibility to their children, it’s a shame that loving fathers are being penalized by the courts for being the wrong sex.
Many of you will be touched by this story, as I was, because I personally know fathers who are being denied their parental rights when all they want is to spend quality time with their children.
After reading this email, you might want to rethink your decision to deal with a man who has children by other women. Many of those women have personal problems and lack the coping skills to move on with their lives after an emotional breakup. Many of them don’t consider the emotional health of their children. They are just bent on destroying your life and making you as miserable as they are.
Save yourself the heartache and pain.
Read the email after the break.
Loyal reader Ashley Lammie writes:
*My name is Ashley Lammie and I am writing you this letter in hopes that you will publish my story. My husband’s name is Clarence Lammie; he is 34 and has two children from two different women. However, he is the sweetest, most kindhearted person that you would ever want to meet. When we first met I was a little apprehensive about dating him because I had never dated a man with children before, and from the media depiction of single father’s, or baby daddy’s they get labeled as lazy, absent from the child’s life or not a good man. Initially I had some reservations, but the day I met Clarence, Chaz and London was the day I fell absolutely in love with them all.
We met at Centennial Olympic Park on a Saturday afternoon for our 2nd date. He was babysitting his two nieces and he had his two beautiful children, Chaz, who was 5 at the time, and London, who was 3 at the time. I saw the light in his eyes as he watched his kids play and laugh. It was something I have never witnessed before between a dad and his children, especially at his age. I was so smitten by his attentiveness and willingness to accommodate their every need; I thought something must be wrong with this man.
Clarence has a mother and father maternal instinct that is very rare. Later I found out that his son lived with him and that he and the son’s mother had a mutual agreement since 2006 that was not instructed by the courts. Clarence told me that after his daughter was born her mother became enraged and attacked him (he still has a bite scar) because he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with her due to her mental and physical abusive ways. After he expressed this to her, she kept his daughter from him for 6 months. Within those 6 months, Clarence went into a deep depression. He lost weight and almost lost his job. It was his boss that called him in her office and asked him what was going on and he explained his situation and she told him “you won’t be able to do anything to see your daughter without a job” and that was all the motivation he needed.
Clarence put himself on child support then got a lawyer and took his daughter’s mother to court. The mother made it very difficult; she would not comply with anything the courts asked of her and the courts would not hold her accountable. She also would not comply with the visitation that Clarence and his lawyer had requested in mediation. She was determined that Clarence not see his daughter at all. The end result was within a year and a half Clarence was given joint-legal custody in which we see London four days out of a month (every other weekend) and we get her on designated holidays per the court.
Now after being married (each for the first time) and enjoying all the great qualities of my husband, we have been suffering trying to get custody of his son Chaz. I stated at the beginning of this letter that he and the mother had a mutual agreement that Chaz would live with Clarence. From the day I met his son’s mother she was very rude and disrespectful to me. At the time the mother did not have stable residence nor did she have a car. Clarence would take his son to visit his mother and I would help her out as she fell on hard times. After he realized that his son’s mother was becoming even more disrespectful to his new relationship, he stopped doing those things for her. I asked my husband if he thought Chaz’s mother would come and take him back and he said, ”I would die before I let that happen.” Needless to say, it did happen!
When Chaz’s mother found out Clarence and I were getting married, she came and got Chaz on Saturday February 6, 2010 and we were married February 14, 2010. We tried to stop her from taking Chaz by calling the police but when the officer arrived he told my husband that because they did not have a custody order in place, his son would have to leave despite Clarence being his son’s primary caregiver sense 2006. I have never witnessed a grown man cry, but my husband cried all night and the rest of the next day. To watch his son walk out of the door was horrible, and not knowing what was going to happen was horrible. As soon as Monday morning arrived we went to the courts and filed papers for custody of Chaz on February 08, 2010. Because the courts are designed for the mother’s best interest, it has been a whirlwind trying to be heard.
It has been a year of no progress on the courts behalf until we wrote an urgent letter to the Judge requesting a court date. We had a recent court date [scheduled for] January 19, 2011, but the mother asked the Judge for a delay [which was granted]. My husband tried to explain to the judge his fury of not being able to see his son. Clarence went from seeing his son every day to seeing him only on Friday after 6pm, Saturday and Sunday of each week of the month. My husband is a great father who loves his kids very much. All he wants is to be a part of his kids life without having to go through the headache. At this time [his son’s mother] has 3 kids (pregnant with one now) and all three fathers are or have petitioned the courts for custody of their children. The day of our court hearing (which took us one year to get), Chaz’s mother asked the Judge to delay the case until she gets a lawyer. The Judge decided to honor her request for a delay of our case, which has been [pending] for a year. This is a perfect example of how hard fathers have to fight for their kids when they are the better parent.
It is unfair and should be brought to light. I became a stepmother because I wanted to be a part of my husband changing the world and because I love London and Chaz dearly. They are the epitome of their father. Clarence is a fantastic human being, Wonderful father, and an excellent husband. He plays with them, teaches them how to skate, ride bikes, and what being a good person is all about. My husband is not a [statistic] as hard as his children’s mothers try to make him weak, we prevail and become stronger.
I estimate there are hundreds of men who give up on obtaining custody of their children because the children’s mothers know the law and the courts make it extremely hard for the fathers to participate in the upbringing of their kid’s lives. They feel that paying child support is the only support a father should render. If it were not for a man, how could a child exist? Men should have equal parental rights as does the mother. They both helped create the child so they both should be able to raise the child without being put through so much tribulation. Clarence goes through the ringer just to spend quality and quantity time with his kids, which he does because they are his kids and nobody can take that away from him. He is a man of honesty [with] a heart of gold and was blessed with two beautiful children.
Clarence is a hard worker, he has been at the same job for 12 years, and he goes out of his way to help anybody. He is a GREAT father, the best I have ever met in my life. To see the smile and light in London and Chaz’s eyes when Clarence comes home is priceless. I am their stepmom, by the will of God, and I love them to pieces and they love me. I did not have kids before Clarence and I met, and now I have two. I want to let men know [who] may be going through this same situation: don’t give up. Keep fighting!
If you cannot afford a lawyer, you can do it by yourself. E-mail me your information at ashleylammie@att.net and my husband and I will direct you to the proper paperwork and how to get in court. It does not matter if you and the child’s mother were not married or have chosen to go your separate ways; your children deserve you in their life and no matter what happened with you and the mother – it’s about the child. Don’t let anyone strip you of your God given right of being a father. We are still in the process of getting custody of Chaz, who is now 7, and modifying custody for more time with London, who is now 5, and no matter how hard the courts or the children’s mothers make it for us, we will not give up!
*This email was edited for clarity
