Yesterday’s post on Narcissism touched quite a few of my readers who responded with their own emotional stories about dealing with the narcissist in their lives.
It pleases me that my posts has helped others to grow and heal in their relationships with these sociopaths.
Some of the emails below were edited for clarity and all names have been withheld.
Good Afternoon Sandra,
I have been following your site for over 5 years. Anyhow, I was very moved by your recent posting regarding Narcissism and the young lady who spoke out. I myself would like to remain anonymous due to my friends frequenting your site also.
I’ve been married for 12 years to a man I have always felt to be a Narcissist. Before writing this letter I didn’t want to jump on the bandwagon so I did the research on symptoms and signs. HE HAD THEM ALL.
He especially had the Narcissist rage. I have asked for a divorce because of the feeling of low importance and value in this marriage. He has affected my value, self-esteem and pulled me out of my character on numerous occasions for his amusement. The question is how can you trust if a Narcissist has changed or is being sincere when you threaten to leave?
We also share kids together. I feel I no longer love him due to the pain I’ve endured but if I stay does a person like this ever get it together? I know you have a lot of strong women who read your site and I am deeply concerned and stressed out behind this love/hate relationship. His Narcissist behavior has me looking at him likes he a ticking time bomb of venomous words waiting to happen. If possible, I need some insight from your readers not to decide for me but to give me any knowledge on if people like this ever change. I know you may have to edit this to a shorter message if you do decide to post this but any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
A Loyal Reader
This reader asked for your input, but here’s mine: my advice for her is to get out of this marriage and sever all ties with him for the sake of the children.
When I was involved with a narcissist, I bought all the self-help books I could find on dealing with narcissists. Every book that I read said the same thing: GET OUT!
Narcissists can not be cured. They will not change no matter how many times they promise to do better. Most psychiatrists and therapists refuse to treat them.
They are sociopaths who lack the ability to feel. So they can’t empathize or relate to the pain they inflict on you. They just see you as weak when they break you down. Your suffering only gives them life. They have no heart and they have no feelings.
Get out.
Click Link to read more
Hi Sandra! I was writing to say reading your blog in reguards to the word narcissist helped my relationship a lot. I met my BF when I was almost 16 and we have been together 9-10 years. Anyway he is a Virgo, so I always summed his behavior up as typical Virgo behavior. He is one of those people you love or hate on. Everybody wants to be his friend, and he is so stank, ugh. He’s very intelligent, we both are college educated, he like’s to dress nice and so forth.
[He] has to be the center of attention, and if it’s not done his way it’s wrong, he has to be in control, the boss. I eventually found your blog and came across the word narcissist. Once I began to throw that word around, I even showed him your site, I guess you can basically say the word and definition itself was a good way of placing a mirror in his face and I had tried everything. Luckily, we both learn and grow with each other.
He has calmed down a whole lot. Even with his friends. So I myself have to thank you for making my relationship much better. The word narcissist gave me the ammo I needed to get my point across. He hates that word and I really think he is doing what he can to stand clear of this type of behavior. He stills remain true to himself: Virgo behavior. [He] thinks he’s all that etc, but in a more tolerable and respectable way. I didn’t want him to change who he was but you know. So thanks for your medical minutes they do help!
Good Morning Sandra:
I too got inspiration today from your article on narcissism I am dealing with people like that at my job. So I printed it up, and now every time before I have to pass them in the hallway, I read it.
Thanks again
As I explained yesterday, the reason I used a pic of Jay Z and Beyonce is because they are both narcissists who feed off each other.
Jay Z will never allow Beyonce to be greater than him. He barely mentions his wife Beyonce in his book “Decoded” even though this book is supposed to be about his life.
Jay Z (a classic narcissist) who knows his wife would steal all of his thunder if he wrote extensively about her. His book would be a bestseller because of her, and he knows it. His small ego just couldn’t take that.
I find it interesting that someone from Rocawear/Rocnation emailed me about Jay Z’s book yesterday. I thank them for reading my blog, but I’m not interested in decoding Jay Z’s lyrics.
IMMA LEAVE THIS ONE ALONE A LIL TOO MUCH FOR ME.
I was going to applaud you Sandrita for the inspiration you provide but then you started talking slick about Bey and Jay and you snatch all the life outta me….
Good Luck Ladies and if I offended any of you yesterday…dont charge it to my heart!
TEAM JAYONCE
hey CHARBEE
Not this shyt again.
Im not buying this ” I read Sandra Rose and diagnosed my man as a narcissist” bullshyt.
If Jay-Z and Beyonce were true narcissists wouldn’t they be married to people of lesser financial and fame levels?
HEY CHA CHA!!!!!!!!!!!
Cinderella says:
If Jay-Z and Beyonce were true narcissists wouldn’t they be married to people of lesser financial and fame levels?
_________________
Wrong. As I’ve already noted, narcissists are attracted to people with money, power and respect. Why do you think most of them only date other celebrities? They would never date someone they consider lesser than them.
Oh well WTF EVER damn this post is to heave
wow! God luck 2 all the individuals that are dealing with this epidemic..
ok sandra..u dun started something! good empowerment! #go
Sandra you’re like the black version of Dear Abby now
Like I’ve said before when people wrote Sandra about their narcissistic boyfriend/husband…that was my ex to a “T”! All the counseling in the world will never change him. No matter how much YOU change, no matter how much you DO…they will remain the same. There is no “breaking up”. The only way the relationship will end is if you’re dead. Once I figured that out, while he was at work I packed up all that was mine and left. Changed my number and from that day to this one…never seen or talked to him again. There’s no way you can be “friends” cause they will still try to manipulate and control you. Cut all ties and count everything as a lost. If you can leave and you and your kids are still breathing…you are blessed. You will gain so much more (happiness, freedom, peace and love) once you stand up and take back your life. Ask God to go before you and prepare a way for you and He will.
LaTechGrad02 says:
Sandra you’re like the black version of Dear Abby now
October 28, 2010 at 11:26 am
**************
Ummm #TeamVirgo
and no narcisstic symptoms over here
Pulease!!!! This is the most ridiculous mess I have ever heard in my life. Who gives a damn about a title? If your man is an azzhole to you then leave him. You been trying to figure it out for years and now you have clarity because Sandra put a title on it? GTFOH.
But let me go over the wonderful Mariah and Nick post and leave this one to the ladies that need it to realize their guy is bad news. Geez.
Sandra,
So THIS is why you always talk about narcissism!!! You were involved with a narcissist!!! *Just had a lightbulb moment*
Let me ask you this…How do you know the person was a narcissist besides reading up on them in books and classifying them a narcissist yourself? I’m basically asking were the diagnosed a narcissist by a psychologist/psychiatrist?
I agree with you to AN EXTENT on some things but other things I obviously don’t. Truth of the matter is that a person can be a narcissist but also be a sociopath, psychopath etc. They can actually exhibit more than one personality disorder. I’ve also noticed that narcissism is very close in relation to being a sociopath and a new disorder that people know little about called Irritable Male Syndrome
I know IMS sounds crazy but I was dating a guy who finally told me that his doctor had diagnosed him with that. When he first told me I just laughed my a** off and told him he was stupid until one day he blew up on me for NO DA** REASON. Then, I went home and looked it up and he had every single trait of IMS. I stopped messing with that clown.
Sometimes though I do think doctor’s/psychologist etc will make up some new shyt just to diagnose someone with something and put their a** on some pills so I’m kind of torn on how I feel about SOME personality disorders. Anyway, Sandra was the person you dated clinically diagnosed?
My ex was diagnosed by a physiatrist long before I read an article on this blog. And no medication or treatment was provided…
SR, my ex husband was diagnosed as a paranoid narcissist and he was absolutely that!
I say that to say, I know the disease of narcissism is for real and for true. Even tho I think you OD using the term, I’m glad that you posting about it “allegedly” helps people.
But here is where I am having a hard time. Do you think that a person that does good deeds and then constantly says “Look at me, look what I did, I did this good, I did that good, I told you so, I am always right, see you should listen to what I say” You wouldn’t call that narcissistic behavior?
We get it already, your site touches and helps more people that Red Cross. We get it. But let it be from the heart, let your actions speak for themselves, you don’ have to always broadcast it. We get it.
*unhooks bra and pulls it out shirt to get comfortbale…pats Yvonne on the hips to scooch over
#THIS
@ buddapecan
This is why I have a problem with the whole narcissism label. It’s something they say you’ll never get over, can’t go to therapy for, no meds are involved…you’ll just die this way. How do we actually know the person just isn’t a da** azzhole?!?!?!?
Like I said I had this problem with a guy I dated. He said he had IMS and when I looked it up he did act just the way it said he’d act but at the same time I’m like that’s just another da** label to justify you being a bytch!
I think I’m happy, nice and caring so I officially label myself with “niceness disorder”.
I hope you see where I’m going with this…we can label anyone anything we want just to justify their behavior.
Bird says:
Pulease!!!! This is the most ridiculous mess I have ever heard in my life. Who gives a damn about a title? If your man is an azzhole to you then leave him. You been trying to figure it out for years and now you have clarity because Sandra put a title on it? GTFOH.
~~~~~~~~
LOL.
@ Al
I co-sign some of your thoughts and I too believe in personality disorders to an extent. However, if you break down the term “personality disorder” it’s basically saying theirs something wrong or moreso not normal with the personality traits you’re displaying. If a person is moody, grumpy yada yada how can you just put a label on that and say, “Yep, your a ____!” Why can’t that just be their personality?!?!? Why does it have to be assocuiated with a disorder??? I hope I’m making sense.
Sandra Rose says:
Cinderella says:
If Jay-Z and Beyonce were true narcissists wouldn’t they be married to people of lesser financial and fame levels?
_________________
Wrong. As I’ve already noted, narcissists are attracted to people with money, power and respect. Why do you think most of them only date other celebrities? They would never date someone they consider lesser than them.
~~~~~~~~
I always wondered why Kate Hudson and Jennifer Aniston only dated celebs, they’re both narcissists. LOL.
My Ex was diagnosed as well, they said the only thing that will sort of help is medication but of course they will never take meds because 1, they think they know it all and since my EX was a paranoid narcissist, he thought that everyone was out to get him and that doctors give you meds to control your brain and he was genius artist and they want to kill him to make his art worth more. blah blah blah
Wow…
@ Al
That is kind of crazy. LOL But let me ask you this….was he a really good artist. I don’t know if he painted or did music but whatever it was was he really good at it???? I’m asking for a reason.
@buddapecan
PREACH sista
jazzyiest says:
@ buddapecan
This is why I have a problem with the whole narcissism label. It’s something they say you’ll never get over, can’t go to therapy for, no meds are involved…you’ll just die this way. How do we actually know the person just isn’t a da** azzhole?!?!?!? Like I said I had this problem with a guy I dated. He said he had IMS and when I looked it up he did act just the way it said he’d act but at the same time I’m like that’s just another da** label to justify you being a bytch! I think I’m happy, nice and caring so I officially label myself with “niceness disorder”. I hope you see where I’m going with this…we can label anyone anything we want just to justify their behavior.
—————-
@jazzyiest
Yes, I think people in this day and age are quick to put a label on themselves to justify their behavior. But I also think the clinical term for azzhole is narcissist. lol
I think it’s the same with ADD. I think most people have a form of ADD but there are others who have more extreme cases where medication is needed to balance the chemicals in their brain and change their behavior. In no way am I comparing ADD and narcissism but…you get my point, right?
@ jazzyiest
I totally get what you are saying, for instance, some children are labeled as having ADHD but we know they just need a good azz whuppin.
But with personality disorders, it is something more. Sometimes it can be a chemical imbalance which can be easily treated but most times it stems from something deep and dark that has happened in their childhood that THEY sometimes have even buried. And it becomes so deeply ingrained that there is no help except to medicate them and no one want to be told you are crazy and you need meds.
jazzyiest says:
@ Al
That is kind of crazy. LOL But let me ask you this….was he a really good artist. I don’t know if he painted or did music but whatever it was was he really good at it???? I’m asking for a reason.
———————–
He drew, painted, did graphic design and was an absolute genius, he could take a photograph and draw and color it and make it look just like a photo. But he and his older sister were both molested by their younger sister’s father (step father) and by the neighbor children beginning at age 5, never told me but his sister and his bio-father did.
He had very low self esteem and didn’t believe in himself but was the most arrogant person you could ever meet. But everyone knows that arrogance is rooted in insecurity.
He was so paranoid to the point he would say stuff like, I was at the bus stop and seen such and such drive by…OK and? Oh they were probably following me to see what I am working on. Uh ding dong you were on Broadway which is probably the most highly populated street in the city!!! And who the heck are you that someone would want to follow you? It could be your grandmother and it would be that she was spying on him
#noshadeatall
What exactly is Jay reachin for under his belt while his wife whispers sweet nothings in his ear?
I love black
Also, he thought that he could do stuff to people but then when they did something back they were wrong. For instance, He could break your windows out in your car but if you called the police then you were wrong. He was mad at you so you deserved it but it was wrong for you to call the police. How could you?
“Jay Z will never allow Beyonce to be greater than him.”
OK…I see. Molestation messes up dang near everyone in addition to all the other crap they may have had going on. I asked b/c I’ve noticed that most artist, be it painters, sculpters, musicians who are really good at their craft are all weird in some way or another. Look at M.J, Prince, Kanye, Picasso the list goes on.
I’ve just noticed that creative minds think differently. They guy I dated was a talented artist too so I’ve always just thought he was weird b/c of that.
@ buddapecan
Yes, I totally understand what you’re saying. ROFLMAO @ the clinical term for azzhole is narrcissist. Bwahahaha!
@ Al
I agree with you too. I know what youre talking about on so many levels.
@ jazzyiest
I agree about art-sy type, there is a thin line between brillance and insanity. But when those type are abused in any type of way it compounds it to the 10th power.
@ Al
You’re right. Abuse is a bish. Will you be watching the episode of Oprah with Tyler Perry and the 200 men who are finally coming out saying they had been molested as children???? Oprah said some of their wives don’t even know about this.
Sandra would you not be considered a narcissist? U always talk about what backpacks you have and who or what ppl u know? Jay-Z or Be does not talk about each other and I thought his book was suppose to be about him and how he made it and the lyrics to his songs not his marraige and the women he been wit?
You are asking for another restraining order….
jazzyiest says:
@ Al
You’re right. Abuse is a bish. Will you be watching the episode of Oprah with Tyler Perry and the 200 men who are finally coming out saying they had been molested as children???? Oprah said some of their wives don’t even know about this.
———————————-
I am going to try and watch it but I’m a softie about watching that type of stuff
AND CAN WE PLEASE REIRE THAT WORD IT SEEMS TO BE UR FAVORITE!!!!!
Your reader should seek biblical counseling! Not Christian Counseling because there is a difference. Her family needs counseling based on God’s word. Sin is always the foundation of all disfunction. The reader needs to find out what she should change about herself to help her husband become the Man that God created him to be, so God’s glory can be revealed through redemption. We don’t seek God for our solutions we seek man for a band aid. Until we get to the root of our own issues we can’t ask others to change themselves. Now her husband was this way prior to her getting married she just ignored it and now wants out of her marriage. That is not the grounds for a divorse. She wanted to do things her way instead of seeking God. I know it is hard to hear when someone is treating you bad, but that is her husband. God didnt tell us that being obedient was going to be painless.
Oh my bad..they didn’t get a divorse. I just read the first paragraph and was just sick of people seeking to get out of a relationship because the person doesn’t act the way they think they should act. Sometimes we need to put a mirror up to our own face. Good for her.
jazzyiest says:
@ Al
You’re right. Abuse is a bish. Will you be watching the episode of Oprah with Tyler Perry and the 200 men who are finally coming out saying they had been molested as children???? Oprah said some of their wives don’t even know about this.
_______________________
I used to work at a boy’s jail in Atlanta. A majority of the boys there were arrested for molesting their younger brothers. And those are just the boys who were caught! Molestation of young boys is a huge problem that is usually swept under the rug in the black community.
Sandra Rose says:
I used to work at a boy’s jail in Atlanta. A majority of the boys there were arrested for molesting their younger brothers. And those are just the boys who were caught! Molestation of young boys is a huge problem that is usually swept under the rug in the black community.
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Something you and I both agree upon!
I use to work in a youth center and seen this as well. People are so busy protecting the lil girls that the boys are easy prey. And then boys are told to man up or that it’s gay, even when they are the victims so they never want to deal with it or fess uo about it. And most psycho’s have a history of abuse in their backgrounds.
My son was not allowed to do sleep overs AT ALL. He is 18 now and just brought it up last night about how mean he thought I was because of that but I asked him aren’t you glad no one was playing with your booty and he said point taken!
This is my very first comment YAY hey errbody
This is a good topic contrary to what people may feel. It’s easier said than done a lot of times when dealing with someone that has these issues. Yes it’s true they were like that when you met them however, they have on masks and present themselves a certain way to get you comfortable. Once they set a life up with/for you it’s like a switch. On then Off. People like this will have everybody thinking they are as good as gold but those that live with them know the monster they truly are. Not all people have the means or resources to just bounce with kids especially with no family or friends available to help. When it comes to black folks nobody wants to get involved. I applaud the women who are taking steps to get out not just because of the post but because they know now they are not crazy like the narcissist made them think. I was with a person with this issue and understood I could never be happy. My happy = his frown. This is a real issue for many women who love these A-holes. Your love will NEVER change them.. Get up and move on with your life is the only way to be happy
<— just like that….
@Destinee you can be a Christian woman but if that person is set on being that way it's like pulling teeth trying to preach the word. Especially if they have no religious background. I went to church every sunday brought disks home and took him to church the word is too powerful for these people.
@Sophistic8dFly1: WELCOME!!!!
We must had been involved with the same person.
We went to pastoral counseling AND to a psychologist. Seminars, dvds, cds, books…NOTHING worked! You are exactly right about the “switch-a-roo” they pull. That’s how they get you…wine and dine you and then once you’re committed to them (living together or married) that’s when their true colors show.
When I finally got fed up and decided to leave, my family looked at me like I had three heads. What you gonna do? Where you gonna go? How you gonna take care of yourself? But guess what! As soon as I dipped, NOTHING but blessings have come my way.
And the thing about “suffering” or “enduring” for the sake of being married and the Bible saying that you shouldn’t divorce…Jesus suffered and died (and rose again) for me. So me suffering and being miserable because of someone else…I just can’t seem to find that in scripture. My advice (to the reader) is to pray for WISDOM. Proverbs 3:13 says when you find wisdom you will get an understanding.
I like the blog too, but I ain’t comin’ to SR for relationship advice…
#carryon
@BuddaPecan thanks for the welcoming I look forward to sharing my silliness
*fist pump*