Well, the massive snooze fest that is the Annual Grammy Awards is over for this year.
The 53rd Annual Grammy Awards was held at the Staples Center in downtown Los Angeles last night. Here’s a rundown of the night’s events culled from several online sources for those of you who couldn’t stay awake during the slow-paced pompous affair.
Christina Aguilera opened the Grammy’s with a soulful rendition of “Ain’t No Way” in tribute to the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, who successfully underwent gastric bypass surgery on Dec. 2nd.
The awards show was very predictable: Lady Gaga stole the show by arriving inside a giant egg carried on the shoulders of half naked men servants. She was hatched onstage.
Rihanna, who was fighting laryngitis and bronchitis infections, won a Grammy for Best Dance song: “Only Girl in The World.” She managed to get through her lip synced performances with Eminem and Drake, neither of which I’m posting on this blog. Eminem won yet another Grammy for Best “Rap” album, and Drake has yet to be blessed by the Grammy gods. Poor boy. He tries so hard.
Rapper Nicki Minaj, who didn’t win a Grammy, made a scene with her attention stealing Bride of Frankenstien beehive hairdo. “Yes, this is all my hair. At night, if I press a certain button, my hair grows. First of all, it grows up, and I press another button and activate the color on it,” she said on the red carpet.
There was one huge shocker in the Best New Artist category, which everyone is still talking about around the office water coolers this morning. Every man, woman and child on earth thought the Best New Artist Award would go to Justin Bieber, or maybe Drake. Instead, the award went to a a little known jazz artist named Esperanza Spalding. The surprise announcement prompted millions of viewers to ask in unison: “WHO IS SHE?”
Troubled comedian Katt Williams tweeted:
Meanwhile, everyone went racing en masse to Google to dig up any information they could find on her. Justin Bieber’s disappointed Stans wasted no time editing Spalding’s Wikipedia page. Welcome to the big time, hun!
It seems the 26-year-old Spalding isn’t exactly new to the scene, according to Wikipedia (before her page was rudely edited). She’s been around the industry for a minute. She even dropped a few albums along the way that nobody ever heard. Spalding specializes in playing bass – the stand up variety and the traditional bass guitar. She also plays the clarinet and the oboe (a wind instrument).
How can Spalding be a ‘Best New Artist’ when no one’s ever heard of her, you ask? Hey, this is the shady music industry where everybody and everything can be had for a price — including a Grammy Award. This is how it works kids: somebody on the Grammy committee owed somebody else something, and now you know who Esperanza Spalding is.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that Beyonce, who didn’t win a Grammy or perform, looked old and tired last night. Her husband Jay Z stayed away, like any typical narcissist who believes that his absence leaves a greater impression than him actually being there in the flesh.
There were NO surprises where Chris Brown is concerned. If he reads my blog, he would have known that he wasn’t going to win a Grammy. The immature man-child took to his Twitter page to throw a tantrum, as he often does when he doesn’t get his way.
He tweeted: “To all the fans!! I love y’all. Don’t be upset!! This industry is based on politics and asskissing! My only concern is team breezy! Fuck everybody else!”
All things considered: it’s hard to have empathy for that punk.
About 100 awards were handed out during the pre-Grammy special, including all of the R&B categories, and most of the rap winners. It’s been that way for years. I’m not sure why people still act surprised that R&B isn’t shown any love during the actual live Grammy broadcast.
I didn’t watch the show last night, so my loyal readers weighed in with their opinions of Rihanna’s performances:
Click the link below for the complete list of winners:
Song of the Year: “Need You Now,” Lady Antebellum
Rap Album: Recovery, Eminem
Country Album: Lady Antebellum, Need You Now
New Artist: Esperanza Spalding
Pop Vocal Album: Lady Gaga, The Fame Monster
Rock Album: Muse, The Resistance
POP:
Pop Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: Train, “Hey, Soul Sister (Live)”
Traditional Pop Vocal Album: Michael Bublé, Crazy Love
Female Pop Vocal Performance: Lady Gaga, “Bad Romance,” The Fame Monster
Male Pop Vocal Performance: Bruno Mars, “Just The Way You Are,” Doo-Wops & Hooligans
Pop Collaboration With Vocals: “Imagine,” Herbie Hancock, Pink, India.Arie, Seal, Konono No 1, Jeff Beck & Oumou Sangare, The Imagine Project?
Pop Instrumental Performance: “Nessun Dorma,” Jeff Beck, Emotion & Commotion
Pop Instrumental Album: Take Your Pick, Larry Carlton & Tak Matsumoto
R&B:
Best Female R&B Vocal Performance: Fantasia, “Bittersweet,” Back to Me
Best Male R&B Vocal Performance: Usher, “There Goes My Baby,” Raymond V Raymond
Best R&B Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: Sade, “Soldier of Love,” Soldier of Love
Best Traditional R&B Vocal Performance: John Legend & The Roots, “Hang On In There,” Wake Up!
Best R&B Song: John Legend & The Roots, “Shine,” Wake Up!
Best R&B Album: Wake Up!, John Legend & The Roots
Contemporary R&B Album: Raymond V Raymond, Usher
RAP:
Rap Album: Recovery, Eminem
Rap Song: Jay-Z & Alicia Keys, “Empire State of Mind,” The Blueprint 3
Rap/Sung Collaboration: Jay-Z & Alicia Keys, “Empire State of Mind,” The Blueprint 3
Rap Performance by a Duo or Group: Jay-Z & Swizz Beatz, “On to the Next One,” The Blueprint 3
Rap Solo Performance: Eminem, “Not Afraid,” Recovery
Urban/Alternative Performance: “F*** You,” Cee Lo Green
ROCK:
Solo Rock Vocal Performance: Paul McCartney, “Helter Skelter,” Good Evening New York City
Rock Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: The Black Keys, “Tighten Up,” Brothers
Rock Song: “Angry World,” Neil Young, Le Noise
Hard Rock Performance: New Fang, “Them Crooked Vultures,” Them Crooked Vultures
Metal Performance: “El Dorado,” Iron Maiden, The Final Frontier
Rock Instrumental Performance: Jeff Beck, “Hammerhead,” Emotion & Commotion
Rock Album: Muse, The Resistance
COUNTRY:
Female Country Vocal Performance: Miranda Lambert, ” The House That Built Me,” Revolution
Male Country Vocal Performance: Keith Urban, “‘Til Summer Comes Around”
Country Song: “Need You Now,” Dave Haywood, Josh Kear, Charles Kelley & Hillary Scott, songwriters (Lady Antebellum) (Need You Now)
Country Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: Lady Antebellum, “Need You Now”
Country Instrumental Performance: Marty Stuart, “Hummingbyrd” (Ghost Train: The Studio B Sessions)
New Age Album: Miho: Journey to the Mountain, Paul Winter Consort
Contemporary Jazz Album: The Stanley Clarke Band, The Stanley Clarke Band
Jazz Vocal Album: Eleanora Fagan (1915-1959): To Billie With Love From Dee Dee, Dee Dee Bridgewater
LATIN:
Latin Pop Album: Paraiso Express, Alejandro Sanz
Latin Rock, Alternative or Urban Album: El Existential, Grupo Fantasma
Tropical Latin Album: Viva La Tradición, Spanish Harlem Orchestra
Tejano Album: Recuerdos, Little Joe & La Familia
Norteño Album: Classic, Intocable
Banda Album: Enamórate De Mí, El Güero Y Su Banda Centenario
DANCE:
Dance Recording: “Only Girl (in the World),” Rihanna
Electronic/Dance Album: La Roux, La Roux
