Alicia Silverstone made headlines last week when she revealed she still sleeps with her 11-year-old son Bear Blu Jarecki.
“Bear and I still sleep together,” Silverstone said on the Ellen Fisher Podcast on July 19, 2022. “I don’t really care,” she replied about the wave of criticism she faces.
Silverstone, 45, shares Bear with ex-husband Christopher Jarecki.
The single mom has been open about her unorthodox relationship with her son.
Dr. Sam Vankin, author of the best-selling book Malignant Self Love: Narcissism revisited, says mothers are responsible for raising narcissistic children.
Dr. Vankin is an expert on narcissism because he is a narcissist himself.
He says narcissists emotionally abuse and discard others to get back at their own mother who discarded them.
Vaknin says narcissism is usually rooted in mother issues stemming back to childhood.
“This could mean anything from a mother who can’t let go of the child, idolizes them or neglects them,” he said.
“This could be in the form of making the child act like a parent, or not allowing them to detach naturally from them as children should,” he explained.
“They can idolize or use the child to fulfill their own needs, when the child becomes an extension of the parent and they aren’t allowed to become an individual.”
Dr. Vaknin says the narcissistic child grows up resentful by the fact that they are invisible to their own mother who lives vicariously through them.
“This creates rage, depression and grief in the child,” Vaknin says. “The child grieves that they are not seen by a selfish or depressed parent and they feel consumed and smothered.”
He continues: “So then when someone with (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) ventures out into the world, they are grandiose, like a toddler, but with none of the coping mechanisms to go with it. It’s like a two-year-old with a gun.”
Vaknin said the narcissist avoids emotional relationships because your emotions make them feel weak.
“When seeking an intimate partner they seek to detach from the mother figure, hence the idealize, devalue, discard phases often seen.”
Dr. Vaknin explained why narcissists abuse and discard you – because you will never be as perfect as the mother who discarded them.
“The mother is ideal, so he idealizes you in the same way. You are an empty shape, to be turned into the mother. He needs to grow up to be with a partner, be an adult.”
“They need to complete this uncompleted process but he can’t do it with the real mother – so he converts his partner into a mother, so he can replay the unfinished business.”
“He or she needs to degrade the partner in order to detach from the mother, so the narcissist then goes on to destroy you.”
Dr. Vaknin explained that daddy issues also exist, but only the mother can raise a narcissist.
“I keep saying mother and not father. Father issues also exist and they exist with men and women – but becoming an individual, this is to do with the mother.”
He added: “[Narcissists] have to break you down and detach from the mother, by discarding you.”
