Stacey Dash has a story to tell. She is a victim of domestic abuse and she wants the world to know. But here's the problem: all of Stacey Dash's men have abused her, according to the actress.

That would indicate that the thrice married Dash, 44, subconsciously seeks out men who will ultimately abuse her, and that's a problem that won't fix itself just by leaving them.

What causes a beautiful woman like Dash to continuously walk into men's fists when the signs that he is a potential abuser are apparent before the abuse begins?

Instead of telling her story to the blogs, she should talk to a therapist who can help her work through the childhood issues that keep her trapped in the willing victim role.

Although the three time divorcee is speaking out publicly about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her last husband Emanuelle Xuereb, privately she's telling friends that all of her husbands abused her physically. How sad.

According to a restraining order filed in January 29 and obtained by TMZ, Emmanuel would regularly beat Stacey on her face, head and body during their marriage and once violently pinned her down to their bed and claimed he was going to give her "the worst night of her life." Stacey says that while they were married she was too afraid to report the domestic abuse to the police.

Now Stacey has a restraining order on Emmanuel which requires him to stay 100 yards away from Stacey and her two children from a previous marriage.

Domestic violence in Hollywood has been in the news a lot recently: news just broke of a Survivor producer being named a suspect in his wife's murder. It just goes to show that even the rich and famous can be victims of domestic violence. Read More...

  • BROWNSUGAPOET

    Stacey Dash is rich????? :blink:

  • http://chokolatemilk.blogspot.com Choco

    Stacey you are beginning to get on my nerves and I don't believe the bull about being scared of going to the police you didn't want the publicity then but you do now...

  • BROWNSUGAPOET

    Oh wait, you mentioned the producer and were just sayin in general

  • Ms.kaylamomma

    Stacey Dash is my girl crush but I swear she lost points with me when she said she would sleep with and marry a man on the first date. Do better boo!

  • ohpretty1

    Stacey,

    You sleep with men on first dates, never turn down proposals, and now a repeat offender in the My Eye Black club - You need couch time, not a PR person.

  • KrayZKat

    Just goes to show you that a pretty face is no guarantee that a man will treat you right. SMH. Stacey, get some help, honey.

  • pyt305

    Damn that man is old! But umm Stacey is getting annoying..just like Robin Givens...

  • aqtpie

    That is so sad!!!

  • Krysi J

    Another one bites the dust......

    Well she clearly didn't marry the man for his God Given beauty, so.......I'm glad she got rid of him :rolleyes:

  • http://mrswindycity.blogspot.com Windycitychick

    That is so sad.. everything seems to be going to hell and back...

    folks cheating, beating people, killing people...

  • http://createspace.com/3393054 iscream

    Maybe she has daddy issues. Or maybe she saw abuse growing up.

    I just :pray: she isn't coming out with all of this now because she is trying to get some "keep me relevant" points. I mean she just did that fiasco on Wendy lying saying she had a show on VH1 then dating Jamie Foxx.... neither kept her name in the news... nah, she wouldn't do that :|

  • BROWNSUGAPOET

    dammit nika got to go home 2hrs early! *shakes fist* dam her!

  • gagirl08

    "What causes a beautiful woman like Dash to continuously walk into men’s fists when the signs that he is a potential abuser are apparent before the abuse begins?"

    Answer = Low self-esteem

    And more women than you know are walking around with it! In fact, pretty women are often affected by it because more game has been run on them.

  • SangriaSugar

    This is sad...she needs help not tabloid press! Stacey got 2 children and if she keeps running to this lames that abuse her, she is abusing her children. They have the potential to grow up to repeat this cycle, weakness and anger with their significant others.

    If she doesn't realize her problem she might end up with "That Dude" that don't play...the one who says "If you leave me I'll kill you!!" Look what happened to Phil Hartman...everyone knew his wife was bat-shyt crazy and beat him but he stayed with her...what did she do...murder-suicide!!

    Stacey do better booboo!

  • http://twitter.com/mrs_truth ms.truth

    2010 must be the tell-all year :shrug: people coming out of the woodworks with their "stories". :rolleyes:

  • cheeks8683

    @ Ms.kaylamomma I was thinking the same thing about what she said on the Wendy Williams Show...Shoot that's why she get's into the ish she is in. Get to know a person first then make life decisions is all I'm saying...

    Hey Brown *waving*

  • http://myspace.com/rayne215 spongebobfan

    :yawn: she looks like a weak woman that skates by on her looks. no esteem at all just married men for money and those type of men that know the brought her will abuse her because she has nothing....

  • Al-Ameera

    I guess she trying to get that reality show picked up

  • MIZZ.I_REP_ATL

    I mean, errbody in hollywierd just been having issues these past week. SMH...get it 2getha.

    KrayZKat Says: "Just goes to show you that a pretty face is no guarantee that a man will treat you right."
    ...Wooo, girl u ain't lying. I try to tell my homegirl that all the time. But as always, she has to find out the hard way.

  • BROWNSUGAPOET

    SAAAWEEEET CHEEEEEKSSSSS!

  • stormywaters

    Some of the most Beautful women have the worst self esteem issues :(

  • ohpretty1

    spongebobfan Says:

    she looks like a weak woman that skates by on her looks. no esteem at all just married men for money and those type of men that know the brought her will abuse her because she has nothing….
    ~~~~~~~

    :cosign: Just like mama says "Being cute ain't *#&$ if there's nothing upstairs."

  • Ms.kaylamomma

    Al-Ameera Says:

    I guess she trying to get that reality show picked up
    ____________________________________________________________

    I forgot about that! She DOES have a reality show coming out.

  • Daisy

    I thought she said she had 3 kids

    :yawn:

  • MS.G

    I can't stand for people to air their dirty laundry...but instead of putting her down...we need to be praying for her..Evidently she has some kind of demons that she needs to rid herself of! But if she is doing this bcs of show...bless her heart! smh

  • leapyearpisces

    Ms Kaymomma:

    She has always been my girl crush too. That photo does not do her any justice though. Maybe that is why she was really starting to age all of a sudden. You never know what people are going through...

    BUT, if she gets married and divorced one more time, she will officially get the side eye from me... I understand that marriages don't work sometimes, but when you start getting in 4, 5, and so on [and no one has died], there's some underlying issue there with the person.

  • http://createspace.com/3393054 iscream

    "The people highest up have the lowest self esteem" - Kanye

    Ironic she was the lead in that video. :shrug:

  • cheeks8683

    Didn't Halle Berry used to get beat back in the day??? By uhhhh, what's that dudes name on New Jack City...The light-skin one that was part of the Neno Brown crew, I think he was the one that got stabbed in the hand. I believe she has a hearing problem in one of her ears because dude smacked her so hard one time...I remember hearing that a loooong time ago....Being pretty does not give u a pass...

  • MS.G

    @iscream....damn u hit the nail on the head!

  • Soulstar81

    @ iscream
    Good point!

  • aqtpie

    She definitely should get therapy if what she said on the Jamie Foxx show was true about her dating, sex and marriage, that still doesn't give a low life piece of shyt the rights to put his hands on her. Hopefully she will get therapy at least for the sake of her children!!!

  • leapyearpisces

    Iscream,

    Good point...how ironic.

    I never understood that though, sometimes it seems like the prettiest, flyest chicks have the self esteem of Cealy from the Color Purple. I don't get it....

  • Ms.kaylamomma

    @cheeks, Halle also claimed that David Justice beat her as well.

  • Shauny

    I've been hit before but was DONE after he did it. I will take that as a blessing because I am not judging but I cannot understand why a woman wouldn't walk away after the first punch, slap, whatever? If you let a man know in the door what you're not having in a relationship then he'll going to respect that or bounce. If you accept the I'm so sorry, it'll never happen agains then you become the victim because it probably will.

  • MS.G

    well growing up the women in my family said that the only time a man is suppose to hit u is when he's hitting from the back!

  • Shauny

    @cheeks - Christopher Williams snapped out when people thought Halle was talking about him beating her. I heard it was Wesley Snipes and not him though

  • cheeks8683

    @ Shauny yeah I heard it could have been Wes too...

    I checked online:
    Halle has diabetes. In the early 1990s she lost 80% of her hearing in one ear after being beaten by a former boyfriend. Halle has not revealed the identity of who beat her.

    So I guess we will never know for sure I got that from about.com

  • ohpretty1

    I never understood that though, sometimes it seems like the prettiest, flyest chicks have the self esteem of Cealy from the Color Purple. I don’t get it….

    -----------------------------------

    If you're constantly being told how you look and given everything in life that most work for because of it, you will think that's your worth.

  • aqtpie

    MS.G Says:
    well growing up the women in my family said that the only time a man is suppose to hit u is when he’s hitting from the back!
    ______________________
    :rofl: Sounds like you have wise women in your family!!!

  • ohpretty1

    Ms. G - Do you have family in GA and FL? That sounds so familiar, lol

  • Ms.kaylamomma

    I remember looking at a video (can't remember if it was on Dateline or what) but the dad was beating the mom and made the 12 year old son videotape it. He kept telling the son that "this is how you keep your woman in line" and "She deserves it, doesn't she son? and the boy agreed with the dad, all the while videotaping his mom getting punched and kicked. I was disgusted. Now, how much you want to bet the son will be an abuser when he gets older. The cycle doesn't stop.

  • MS.G

    @ohpretty1...in GA...but mostly from deep down VA...country as all out doors...and i love'em! i've seen my mother and my aunts jump my aunts boyfriend for blacking her eyes...and boy did they work him over! and sad but true...she was a LHLS and beautiful but always picked the worse men...smh

  • PAGESINADIARY

    stacey is a drama quenn

  • PAGESINADIARY

    excuse me, no spell check. stacy is a drama queen

  • chase

    I was hit once by an ex when I was younger and I was done after that...

  • BROWNSUGAPOET

    MsKay was the lady Mixed and the dad black/ I saw that on Oprah and I had to sotp watchin it. I've been in an abusive relationship and we would go at it like 2 men and i finally had my aha moment when i had an extension cord goin to wrap it around his neck when he was sleep. He woke up and saw I was bout to kill his ass and i realized he wasn't worth me goin to prison over

  • http://twitter.com/mrs_truth ms.truth

    well I'm out everyone...Have a great weekend :cya:

  • Anna

    leapyearpisces Says:

    Iscream,

    Good point…how ironic.

    I never understood that though, sometimes it seems like the prettiest, flyest chicks have the self esteem of Cealy from the Color Purple. I don’t get it….
    ~~~~~~
    It's also because the majority of women already hate/jealous and think pretty girls are all stuck up and just came to their own conclusions and never took the time to get to know whom they think they don't like based on looks.

  • Ms.kaylamomma

    @Brownsuga, yes, that's the same couple (unless there is another tape out like that). I don't remember seeing it on Oprah though but I was soooo pissed. :mad:

  • SangriaSugar

    @MKM

    Thats what I'm talking about...women who stay in abusive relationships when they have children are hurting the children in the long run. Even if the man never lays a finger on the child...they are still being mentally abused. Children mimic grown-ups

  • Ms.Everything

    I didn't know she had kids this is sad but Sandra all abusers do not have obvious signs and the way you said that makes it seem like its her fault. Many victims unconsciously pick the same type of man because they haven't sought the counseling they need but that does not make the abuse her fault. And speaking out about the abuse you suffered is a healing experience and can help you get over the pain and embarrassment since most victims hold it in for shame of being blamed or faulted which is what you just did even though it may have been unintentional. Keep talking Stacey and be a voice for those who haven't found their voices yet

  • chase

    I remember once my mom's ex kicked her tail and while he was doing it she was still talking mess to him. Calling every name in the book while he was knocking the mess out of her. He would stop and she'd run off with the mouth again and he'd come back and smack her up some more.... She stayed with him until he left her, otherwise they'd still be together....

  • http://nwmasssmedia.com NichelleWalker/nwmasssmedia.com

    She only know the man for one whole day before she married him.

  • KrayZKat

    @Ms.kaylamomma - that story was on 20/20 back in 2007. Diane Sawyer interviewed her. I couldn't finish watching because, I, like you, was pissed off to the highest sense of pistivity and it was too brutal. Thank God for that woman's boss who intervened. I say, "one hit, that's it!"

  • Ms.kaylamomma

    @Ms.everything, hey chica, Stacey doesn't take the time to know her men. If she did, then I'm sure there were signs (controlling, temper problems). Stacey said herself that she sleeps with them on the first date and will marry them, if they ask. Not my cup of tea but I think she is really missing the signs if she doesn't get to know them upfront before sleeping/marrying them.

  • kwall

    Did he beat her right before they took that pic? She look like she been hit by a bag of nickels in that pic above…dayum…

  • Ms.kaylamomma

    That's it @KrayZKat. Thank you! It was brutal, very, very brutal. I hurt for not only that little boy but the mother as well.

  • Ms.Everything

    I always comment then scroll back up but umm:

    @gagirl its not always low self esteem in fact many abusers beat women with high self esteem in an attempt to break their spirits

    @spongebob all dv victims are not weak either many are stronger than you can imagine. Do you have any idea how much strength it takes to leave that sort of situation and admit that you've been beaten repeatedly and then go public with it?

    @ everybody else : to put it simply you can not imagine what its like to go through that unless you've personally been through it. Not even witnessing it can give you that knowledge and while its easy to judge and say what someone should do or not do or what you wouldn't do its better to simply pray for the person and pray that it never happens to you. Being hit once while painful is not the same as surviving continuous abuse which besides the physical pain also comes with embarrassment, being confused, heart broken, scared and a million other emotions. Many women don't tell their stories or get out until its too late because of fear or being judged or of being told many of the things that are being said today by people who personally know nothing of what they've gone through or what they are going through :coffee: don't speak or judge what you know nothing about

  • KrayZKat

    @Ms.kaylamomma - sure thing. It was extremely brutal and to make that baby not only watch him mama getting beat, but to force him to videotape it. No words, girl! The father even turned their daughter against her. The whole situation was a mess and very sad.

  • KrayZKat

    sorry "his mama"

  • kwall

    reading all of the srose fam to be brave enough to say they were in an abusive situation and got out. keep ya head up sistas!

    to stacey idk if i believe this. one abusive man yes. maybe even two. but three? no warning signs with the first two? i mean what are the odds...

  • Ms.Everything

    @MKM she may not but that still does not make it her fault or make it okay to judge her. You can know a man for years and still not know what he is capable of

  • BROWNSUGAPOET

    i find it hard to believe there were no signs, it happened to me 16 yrs ago and i chose not to pay attn to the signs but then again i didn't let history repeat itself either

  • flsun99

    My daughters' father slapped me...I stayed. I was slapped again, that time I was stars and my lipped was split...I stayed. He pushed me down the stairs to the basement; when I looked up I saw oldest daughter who was only 4 at the time, looking down at me crying. I packed my things and left; never to return. That was 15 years ago. I was only 20. The best decision of MY LIFE. His father was an abuser. His brother is an abuser and his sister got azz whoopings from every man she dated.
    He apologized years later and I forgave him. I promised myself I would never allow a man to have control over me or put his hand on me. I've taught my daughters to love themselves or no one will. I think I tell them that everyday and will conintue until they understand.

  • Daisy

    David Justice said he never hit Halle (whom I love) he did say she was crazy though :lol:

    I saw that story on 20/20 and Oprah and I pray her sons never beat a woman that was sad and heartbreaking.

  • BROWNSUGAPOET

    Kwall I'm gone neeed you to quietly pick up your toys and skip to the kona!

  • Ms.Everything

    And a lot of times having children especially if the abuser is the father makes it harder to get out

  • http://nwmasssmedia.com NichelleWalker/nwmasssmedia.com

    @Shauny Says:
    If you accept the I’m so sorry, it’ll never happen against then you become the victim because it probably will.
    ______________________________________

    I just wanted to add my two cents If I may, If you stay with a man that abuses you, you are not a victim you are an enabler; victims are caught into a situation beyond there control. Anytime you stay with a man who abuses you, not just physically, but mentally, verbally and what not. You have become an enabler to! You help him continue his abusive behavior and that’s what enablers do. I don't want any women who may read this or is going through this to claim himself or herself as a victim. YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM, face the truth, seek help, stop being embarrassed about what someone else is doing to you and get out.

    Trust me, I've been there and done that, and no matter what excuse you come up with none of them are worthy of staying with a man/woman who doesn't love you. Once I faced the truth, the truth set me free, and I am still standing and I am nobody’s victim.

    I’m just trying to reach one or teach one, your far worth more than gold ~~ never treat anyone better than yourself. I’m pretty sure you done enough crying, made more excuses than Tommy and feel hopeless. But just when you think all hope is gone there’s a breakthrough waiting around the corner. Get ready and believe, you can’t hold a good woman/man down…

    Peace
    Nichelle

  • Ms.kaylamomma

    I don't think Sandra is blaming Stacey Dash, I think she is saying the signs were there and Stacey may have chose to ignore them. Men aren't good at hiding things.
    Like Kwall, I applaude those women who choose to share their stories. You never know, it may help other women who read this.

  • http://www.twitter.com/karazinatl KaraZ

    @kwall, I suspect that women like Stacey seek out men who devalue and debase them because of some deep-rooted insecurity.

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  • Ms.kaylamomma

    :sad:

  • aqtpie

    @Ms.Everything, I agree. Not all men/women are alike, so of course not all abusers are alike. Some abusers I'm sure show signs, while others do not.

  • Al-Ameera

    KaraZ says:

    @kwall, I suspect that women like Stacey seek out men who devalue and debase them because of some deep-rooted insecurity.
    ***************************
    Exactly and she has already started than she never thought she was pretty unless a man was always telling her. Not to mention the fact that she would give up her goodies the first night to make a man want to go out with her again and that she has never been single since she was 17.

    She has some serious sh*t going on, and I’m with Sandra on this one, why not seek therapy to start the healing process? But you go to a blog instead, where people will only judge you and probably tear your self esteem down more?

  • Al-Ameera

    ooops I meant *stated*

  • Al-Ameera

    ooops I meant *stated*

  • SangriaSugar

    @Ms.Everything

    I do agree with what you said about the hardships that women who are continuously abused for years go through. But I feel that when children are involved the woman who is getting abused needs to call time-out. As soon as a woman decides to have a child it no longer becomes about her...her focus should be 100% on protecting her child.

    The women who say "I don't have anywhere to go if I leave him"...I have sympathy for them but staying in a relationship not knowing if you're going to get beat so badly you end up in the hospital or you might die...I have to ask how is this woman showing her love for her child? What kind of person will that child eventually grow up to become? And ultimatly how can that child go on respecting a parent who constantly endured abuse rather that stood on her own 2 feet and go through the hardships that come with living a life of peace?

    I'm not coming at you or anything...I volunteered at the Women's Center in college and I volunteer here on base and I've seen and heard so many stories that it makes me mad and sick to my stomach. But the ones that are burned in my head are the ones that invovle children. So my question is really...when does the love of a child take priority over a person's embarrassment?

  • lourie

    chase Says:

    I remember once my mom’s ex kicked her tail and while he was doing it she was still talking mess to him. Calling every name in the book while he was knocking the mess out of her. He would stop and she’d run off with the mouth again and he’d come back and smack her up some more…. She stayed with him until he left her, otherwise they’d still be together….
    ______________________

    I have never understood why some women do that. Or go and hit the man or throw something at him when he has turned and walked away. If the person is walking away, it's probably b/c they realize how angry they are and they are trying to AVOID hitting you. When my husband is livid and walks out of the room, I let him and don't continue the conversation until later when he's calmer. I appreciate it when he does the same for me.

  • http://www.twitter.com/karazinatl KaraZ

    @Ms.Everything, I don't know, maybe I've been watching too much Lifetime & Oxygen, but I think everyone shows you signs of who they really are, whether they're spendthrifts or violent. You just have to have your eyes open enough to notice the signs that they give you and believe the person when they show you who they are.

  • Ms.Everything

    @ Nichelle, I get what you're saying and I know you've personally been there and I agree with the enabling part to an extent but I don't like how it still places blame on the woman. I agree I'm not a victim, neither are you and neither is she but we are all survivors and none of it was our fault. The only thing I'm guilty of is loving that man so much that I stayed and of having so much damn pride that I couldn't tell someone what was going on in my house. I tried to get him help, he tried to get himself help but I finally had to choose my life and my childrens lives over love. Ill suffer the rest of my life because of love but ill be damned if I'm going to believe that any of that is my fault. Part of the reason why so many women, including myself, stay in abusive relationships is because of the shame that comes from admitting what happened, because of people who will assume that you are weak or have low self esteem, those who would rather call you a drama queen or say you are seeking attention and especially those who will find anyway to blame the woman by saying, you should've seen it coming, you should've left earlier, you should've thought about your children, you should've stopped enabling him, you should've stopped loving him, you shouldn't have been so stupid, etc, etc, etc. The ones who judge and say it would never be them while looking down their noses, the police who will let a dv offender out the next day on bail so he can come right back and finish what he started, the judges who will still provide the abuser with visitation of his kids unless he also beat them so the woman is never truly free of him. There are so many reason why domestic violence carries this stigma of shame to it and that's why so many won't come forward and ask for help. Instead of pointing fingers, blaming and judging why not applaud the strength it took to leave and start building these women back up physically, mentally and spiritually so they can move on and get past. I wish more women would come forward and tell their stories so the ones still living in abusive situations can find the inspiration and have the knowledge to leave. Stop blaming the abused and start blaming these no balls having bitch ass abusers

  • Silhouette

    "NO, don't kick Mommy" is what I hear anytime I allow myself to creep back in the darkest place of my life. It was my not quite two year old son, at that time. That was my wake up call. He is now 9 and I can honestly say I am not truly healed. I haven't loved so completely and don't know if if I ever can. I just knew that if I stayed I would send a message to my son that what he was witnessing was okay.
    You know what I get real sad sometimes when I read the comments about baby mommas because I know there are a lot of people in my town that probably think the same thing about me. What I do know is that he (my ex) did not have shyt when I met him. I worked two jobs and was a full time student. Yes he fulfilled his dream on my back (he was a millionaire when I left). I am free now, only for people to look down on me as if I am a ( insert derogatory statement) I just know I made the best decision for my child and try hard to drown out the rest.

  • Al-Ameera

    @ KaraZ, I agree but women have this thing they do….They want a man so bad they be h3ll bent on trying to change someone….it ain’t gonna happen. I think we as women ignore stuff purposely thinking it will go away or get better…but I know from personal experience it doesn’t. Learn to be alone, love yourself and find your own happiness and then the right man will be attracted to you.

  • crzasallgetout

    @Al
    I agree but I'm reading a lot of WE(women) need to do this and need to do that. When is the blame going to be on the "man"? I refuse to believe that a woman purposely seeks out an abusive man. Physical or mental.

    I will never call an abused person an enabler or weak. That only makes people that are reading this that's in an abusive relationship feel awful and never get the mindset to leave or speak out.

  • QuettaV

    I dispise men who hit woman. I think they are cowards and need to kicked in the nuts and have their eyes blackend!

  • chase

    lourie Says:
    chase Says:

    I remember once my mom’s ex kicked her tail and while he was doing it she was still talking mess to him. Calling every name in the book while he was knocking the mess out of her. He would stop and she’d run off with the mouth again and he’d come back and smack her up some more…. She stayed with him until he left her, otherwise they’d still be together….
    ______________________

    I have never understood why some women do that. Or go and hit the man or throw something at him when he has turned and walked away. If the person is walking away, it’s probably b/c they realize how angry they are and they are trying to AVOID hitting you. When my husband is livid and walks out of the room, I let him and don’t continue the conversation until later when he’s calmer. I appreciate it when he does the same for me.
    ----------------------------
    Exactly I can remember a time when I was like 17 and he was in the living room minding his business and all of a sudden she started with him on how he was not s.h.i.t and his mom was not s.h.i.t and how his mom was a h.o.e and did not know who his dad was. He kept telling her to leave him alone and she would not and I told her to shut up. Then she threw a iron at him and he got up and beat the crap out of her and the whole time she still running off with the mouth. I just sat there in shock at both of them, after he finished he apologized to me but she did not she kept on talking mess....

    Yeah me and hubby don't argue much but when we do we both know when to walk away. It took a lot of trial and error for us to get to that place but we started out young...

  • Krysi J

    She only know the man for one whole day before she married him.

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    awwww damn.. well hell Stacey.....what did you EXPECT from somebody you didn't know, a fairy tale ending??

  • Ms.Everything

    @ Sangria, I get what you're saying and I LOVE that you volunteer. The problem is the court system does not always work in a womans favor. My husband would be arrested and released the next day, despite the restraining order the courts still allowed him visitation and contact with our children so even if I chose to leave which I did many times he was still allowed by law to be in our childrens lives. While there are many dv shelters, going into a shelter with your children is a hard step to take and everyone does not have family that they can go to or the money to save and move into a new home and shame/fear can make you do many things that other people can not understand. As a matter of fact my family didn't approve of me leaving him at all because I was too ashamed of what was happening to tell them all of what was happening. I once called the police on my husband and after interviewing us they left me in the house with him despite me begging them to stay while I gathered my belongings and my children. Another time they threatened to call social services because he trashed the house, through everything out the cupboards knocked the trash over and so on, before they even looked at me 9 months pregnant black blue and bleeding they were discussing taking my children, it took the testimony of my son to bring their focus back to the matter at hand. So there are many reasons why a woman with children can be fearful of involving the police and/or leaving. As a matter of fact I never called the police again after that because of the reaction I got. When he finally left it was because several friends of mine whupped his ass out my house and I changed the locks. I was just blessed he didn't come back. So while it seems like it would be easier to just take your children and go its not always that simple unfortunately.

  • Al-Ameera

    @ crza, it is a proven fact that people generally pick out the same types. Hence why all Diddy’s women all sort of favor, hence why Monica picks out the same thug types….

    I am not letting the men slide at all, but if you have been abused why would you get into a relationship with an abuser and think that at some point once the lovie dovie is over he won’t abuse you? That’s like putting crack in front of a crackhead and getting mad cuz they smoke it…what did you expect?

    Take Rihanna for instance, from CB to a Matt that has history of abuse in his past (don’t care if he was prosecuted for it or not), people unconsciously seek the same types until they realize it is a problem, only then they can change their behavior.

  • Krysi J

    and :cosign: with Nichelle beautiful comment chicka! :yes:

  • http://www.twitter.com/karazinatl KaraZ

    @Al-Ameera, Sometimes its not even the "I can change a man" complex, some people (because men fall into this as well) just are so in love with the "love" process, they go into new relationships with both eyes closed only notice the good things in the beginning of a relationship. they fast forward after the euphoric honeymoon stage is over, they wonder where they got this person from or how come the person changed.

  • http://nwmasssmedia.com NichelleWalker/nwmasssmedia.com

    @Ms.Everything Says:

    Please don't take that I am saying it is your fault a man hit/beat you. However rather it be harsh or not anytime after the first time is part your fault. (Please take that and grow with it) I know that sounds mean. I don't think nobody ever got beat like me, check out my site I keep it 100 on there. However I sat still in a relationship for 11 years making up excuse after excuse. Forgiving staying for my kids, thinking this is what's best. Making up more excuses, lying to my mom and family. Taking off workweeks at time because I was beat up so badly. All because I believed it wasn't my fault. Like I said I am trying to reach another woman, help her breakthrough those shackles of thinking like a victim.

    Every time I sat there on the good days, I should’ a been packing up my shyt because I seen to many bad days. I made excuse after excuse but none of them was worth me living for a man or my kids. The truth is my son is in counseling because I die before I let him be just like his daddy. I want women to see the truth no matter what wrong a person does to you, cheating, abuse, stealing whatever. After the second time it is part your fault.

    I don't want to be cruel but you have to understand I tell the truth because it's bigger than you or me. Millions of women/men are with abusive people making up excuses. If I can help a person see the way I will. I put my life all up in my blog for a reason not just for the hell of it. I am trying to reach the voiceless, the women who are scared to move there feet. Sometimes you can be in to deep with an abuser and there seems to be only one way out.

    I want everyone to see the truth, embrace the truth and not feel bad about the truth. It is the only way you will not get back into that type of life style. It may sound mean are like I am saying it is your fault. From one sister to another know that I am not saying that. I am saying What is needed to be said the truth.... and the truth sets you free.

    Anytime you forgive a person for doing wrong you become a part of the wrong. Don't make yourself out to be the wronged partied only take the lesson as growth within your womanhood or life; Receive the message so it will never be a next time. Because the first time will be the last time, because I wont allow you to abuse me. Because when you stay for disrespect your are saying what they did is okay. Forgive and move on is the best thing I learned in my lifetime. And excuses, at worth the breath to speak, do something about it....

  • aqtpie

    :cosign: with kwall .
    I think it was really brave of the women/men on this board and everywhere that finally left their abusers, especially the ones with children. I don't understand why some people would stay with an abuser or a cheater but that's neither here nor there. The bottom line is it doesn't matter because it's already done, just continue to learn and grow and don't repeat the pattern like you've been doing, hold your heads up high and realize that if you kept your hands to yourself and still got abused, you did absolutely nothing that deserved for you to get abused!!!!

    PS Any man/woman who was abused should never take the responsibility of the abusers actions. If only I had did this, that and the other, that's a bunch of bull shyt. If you are a grown a$$ woman or man and can't control your anger to the point of having to hit someone first, you are the one with the problem not the person you hit!!!!

  • Krysi J

    As for my 2 cents on the abuse thing....All it took was once for me to get touched and it was audios.

    I guess it all depends on how much a woman loves herself, I just hate when men try to take that from us, especially when life can do enough to take it away all by itself, A man should protect you from harm not inflict it upon you in any way....and please all you Rhianna fans do not inflict violence upon a man that you know is impossible to beat by yourself. If the signs are there love yourself MORE than a mere man with problems and walk AWAY! Damn so you gon' except cheating, except no marriage, and get ya azz beat............wow :eek: ladies you CAN NOT be serious...are these the only options we are left with, cuz if thats the case Im just going to close up shop and call it a night...................this shyt is for the birds.

  • CHARBEE1

    She seems a lil dingy to me...
    The comments that she makes should be kept within.

  • Ms.Everything

    @Karaz and Al those lifetime and oxygen movies while true stories are also movies so the drama is built up. Every dv situation is not so cut and dry. I've known my husband since we were 16 years old and knew all of his previous girlfriends. To everyone including me he was the same slightly goofy, sweet, intelligent, hard working mamas boy who liked women way too much. I am the first and only woman he has ever put his hands on and when I tell people who know him what was happening no one could believe it and some still don't or suspect I provoked him, that I made it happen. There are not always signs so whether she flucked and married these men in a day or carried on a several year long relationship that does not mean there were signs before that first hit. Again that is deflecting the blame from the abuser to the abused

  • KrayZKat

    @Nichelle - forgive my ignorance, but what makes some women protect the man who is abusing them? The police come to take him away and many women fight it? Is it fear of being alone?

  • http://nwmasssmedia.com NichelleWalker/nwmasssmedia.com

    In life especially in America we all have choices, freedom of speech and the right to bar arms. Anytime you stay in a bad situation...when you can choose another way who's to blame. We live in the land of the free.... Run your own life; never let anyone take away your options.

    Peace and blesssings

  • crzasallgetout

    @Al
    i must not be apart of that study then. I've been in an abusive relationship but can't say that about other men I've dated. I've dates weed heads, business men, no high school diploma, and cops so I can't agree with the "fact" that people generally pick out the same type. I didn't pick out my abusive idiot ex. And there weren't signs for me either. Looking back I still don't say they were there and it's been over 10 years. Every case is different IMO.

    @Ms Everything I TOTALLY agree with you. The cops aren't always helpful.They tend not to really believe you. I even went so far as to try to get a restraining order and the magistrate lady basically told me to forget about it. She talked about how the judges sees women that have bloody faces and worse but me with hardly any bruises she wouldn't take serious. I told her IT STARTS WITH WOMEN LIKE ME!

  • Al-Ameera

    At the end of the day….I know this is going to sound harsh but I have to say it.
    And don’t think this is coming from a person that has never had their foot in that shoe. Trust me I know it all too well from a very young age, from grandfather, father, then the men I chose to deal with.

    I got one of my favorite quotes from Tiger Woods father Elgin and that was:
    “Most people would rather leave a problem unsolved then deal with a solution they don’t like”

    Meaning if someone is kicking your azz then leave, but we women will come up with every excuse in the world not too, because we don’t want to and hope he will change and that is the truth. Oh the kids and I have to start all over and blah blah blah, do you think you are the only female that has had to uproot her kids or live poor because she had to leave some abuser? NO

    Be happy you still have your life and save the rest of it for you and your kids!

  • http://www.twitter.com/karazinatl KaraZ

    @KrysiJ, it was probably an easy decision for you to make to leave immediately because you knew you had a support system to go to. I think most women who are in deeply abusive relationships have already been broken mentally, emotionally and spiritually by their abusive partner before he starts his violent physical attacks, so they feel isolated and embarrassed and stay while praying for him to change or for herself to feel less pain.

  • SangriaSugar

    @Ms.Everthing

    I know what you're talking about...I've seen it happen and that pisses me off to. Our justice system does suck balls...I say that out loud everytime I watch Law & Order:SVU!!

    I refuse call DV victims weak, low self-esteem or any other adjective because I realize that the decisions are hard to make. I was just posing question because I have heard the stories, I've been on the phone listening to rape victims (while secrectly wishing to pour acid on the rapist's nutsack), and right now I'm doing study cases for a deviant behavior psych class. You're right...it is very different for me because my family is VERY VERY close...we talk about everything. Its just hard for me to emotionally understand staying in a situation like that because my mother raised us to be strong, independent adults and told us that if anyone ever laid their hands on us its time to go cause it is not going to get any better..."The I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, and the begging have a shelf life of a day so don't believe it"...

    I do applaude you for getting out of your situation and that you are here to tell your story and help others find the strength to get out of similar situations while they can. :hug:

  • gagirl08

    Ms.Everything Says:

    I always comment then scroll back up but umm:

    @gagirl its not always low self esteem in fact many abusers beat women with high self esteem in an attempt to break their spirits

    Well Ms. Everything, it sounds to me like you've been in this situation yourself and are looking for a way to justify your own actions at the time. Look, I don't care what anyone says.....you do NOT love yourself and have high self esteem if you allow a man to put his hands on you. PERIOD. You may have found strength after the fact but you have to admit that you've been in that dark place before. How can you be a victim of domestic violence and be strong at the same time? The two don't go together. All I'm saying is you don't have to try and rationalize what happened in the past. Just accept it for what it is/was and move on. My ex had the nerve to jack me up against a wall before but I'll also be the first to admit that my self esteem wasn't where it should've been. There are no excuses for that.

  • Al-Ameera

    @ crza, I am not talking about profession or occupation, I am talking character traits.

    @ Ms Everything, I am not talking lifetime movie, I am talking about a lifetime of abuse from almost every man in my life until I CHOSE differently. We see the traits but think it’s cute, i.e. he is so jealous and don’t want to share me, or the couple that is highlighted on here that the man is controlling but showers her with lavish gifts so it’s all good. If he is not kicking her azz, how much you want to be he will be soon?

    My ex husband was a monster and in front of people he was so quiet and shy, people actually thought I would be abusing him-LOL. When a female decides enough in enough she leaves and it don’t matter what police, family or friends say.

  • aqtpie

    IMO People who stay with cheaters or abusers are definitely responsible for ONLY THEIR reactions to the abuser/cheater's actions but still are not responsible for the cheaters or abusers actions!!! I've committed enough sins/mistakes on my own, I be damned if I take the responsibility for another adult's actions.

  • crzasallgetout

    This is a no win battle I see. Being IN it verses watching it is totally different. If I was still in that situation reading some of these comments wouldn't encourage me to leave. I left my situation after I I I realized enough was enough. I don't judge others because they haven't gotten to that ENOUGH stage yet.

    Oh and @ AL when I read your comment about picking a specific type(I don't feel like going back up) I took that as preference. Diddy's women looking the same is not the same (to me) as women who are in more than one abusive relationship. 4-5 then yeah somethings up. Hell I could never date an African or fat person...now that's preference. But we all have our opinions

  • http://nwmasssmedia.com NichelleWalker/nwmasssmedia.com

    @KrayZKat Says:

    I can only speak for me, I was a young girl wrapped up into a grown ass man. I felt the police couldn't help me. He was crazy, I seen him crazy, he didn't care about going to jail. Everytime I turned on the tv a woman was murder by her mate do you want to die? that's what I thought I wanted to live for my kids. I was ashamed of what was going on so I sat silent no one knew. Years, days and months went by and excuse after excuse then I got ready to die. I didn't care....so I said I'ma kill you before you kill me, so I got me a gun and cocked it back and told myself the next ass beating was gonna be the last one. i didn't even care about jail I was just tired.. No matter if I left he would stalk me out and forced me back. So I was done and ready to kill myself...

    I prayed I thought my life was going to be over, here I am not even 30 and I rather be dead than alive all over a man. So what I had kids it's was not worth it. One day took the bus and a lady sat next to me, but it wasn't nothing but God, she sat there and told me all her business how she just left her abusive husband and how she had to come clean and face the truth and get help. It was like that women read my whole life in a ten minute bus ride.... But she left me with a message, face the truth and get help it's the only way.....

    Once I made it back home, for some reason my BFF asked me was I getting beat...I told her the truth that day......Yes I was....she called my mom and my family helped me breakthrough...and I am still here....and I am so over that part of my life. However I know it's still women who believe no one can help them so they don't ask for help.... But you gotta get help its the only way.... you can't bare all that alone. And you should call the police for me at first it was a fear of being alone but then it became of fear of ending up in a body bag so it's best to get out, not make excuse and not point the finger.

  • http://nwmasssmedia.com NichelleWalker/nwmasssmedia.com

    sorry for the misspelled words I'm on my way out

  • Al-Ameera

    @ Ms Everything, whether anyone believe you are not, what did that have to do with you leaving? You don't need anyones permission to leave

  • crzasallgetout

    @aL
    So was I. None of my ex's had the same characteristic traits per se.

    #104 AMEN AMEN AMEN!! I'm not carrying that load on my back!!

  • Ms.Everything

    @Nichelle, I get what you're saying and I am suffering beyond suffering years after the fact because of what he put me through. Four of us on this site have severe back problems, theirs are caused by car accidents, child hood scoliosis, etc mine are from the fact that I was beaten and thrown into something that caused my spine to bend and crushed my discs. I can never have anymore children because my body won't support it, I will be in pain the rest of my life, in and out of hospitals and on medications for life. My back is so scarred that they can not even begin to fix it because there are just too many things wrong. I will likely be in a wheelchair before 50 because I am steadily deteriorating and all they can do is attempt to keep me comfortable so I know the pain. My son is also in therapy because he watched as his father kicked me in the stomach while I was pregnant with his sister and beat the dog shit out of me at 9 mos pregnant, it was his testimony that put his father in jail at 4 years old. I've also gone through years of therapy and one thing that each therapist and psychiatrist has made clear over the years is that it was NOT my fault and I hope you know and anyone else reading this knows that its NOT your fault either. Yes, for whatever reason be it pride, fear, shame, love, a problematic need to nurture someone, a feeling that we could change the man, yes we chose to stay there but that did not give him the right to do what he did to me or do what he did to you. I didn't ask to be beaten, I didn't ask to be crippled, or raped by my own husband, or dragged down streets, thrown out cars or any of what he did. I didn't ask nor deserve to have my spirit broken all because he was afraid that by me being an attractive, smart and educated woman who thought highly of herself, that I would leave him. I didn't know that he was on drugs that fried his brain and that when he would do these things it was the drugs and not him. And yes I accepted his apologies but I never made excuses I never made him think it was okay. I would leave he would go to treatment and therapy and even his counselors would agree that he would do better and then he would relapse again. Could I have left sooner? Yes but that doesn't mean it would have ended there because he would've come after me and trust that he would've found me and we might not be having this debate but I will not place blame on myself or suggest that anyone else do so because that mindset causes many women to stay, it breaks many spirits worse than they're already broken, its a crushing burden for a woman who has already endured so much to carry to say to her I know you're hurting but this is also your fault. I would rather encourage someone to do whatever they can to get out of that situation, go to a safe house, leave the state and the file a restraining order, quietly stack your money while planning your escape and then leave. Regardless of the decision you, me or any other woman has made to stay that still does not give the man the right to abuse you. Unless you personally picked up his hand and slapped yourself with it, the abuse was HIS FAULT, HIS CHOICE, and done with HIS OWN FREE WILL and was not yours or my fault. I do like your site though but I can't agree with that and I don't know of one therapist or psychologist who would say its the abusers fault for staying and enabling

  • KrayZKat

    @Nichelle - thank you so much for sharing that. It brought tears to my eyes. Wow, that lady on the bus was a certified angel if you ask me.

    Wow @ all the stories here. I can't imagine going through such physical, mental, and emotional turmoil. I'm sure your stories are going to be a blessing to somebody reading them, and hopefully they'll get the help and strength to move on with their lives.

  • Silhouette

    @Karaz HELL YES! You hit it on the head. Divide and conquer that's what they do. Work hard to remove you from those that care the most about you and then attack attack attack, at you emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
    Now that I have gotten myself together and the mere sight of him doesn't create any real emotion other than disdain he hates to see me coming now. I can honestly say as a survivor that " No one can treat you worst than you allow them to."

  • Krysi J

    @KrysiJ, it was probably an easy decision for you to make to leave immediately because you knew you had a support system to go to. I think most women who are in deeply abusive relationships have already been broken mentally, emotionally and spiritually by their abusive partner before he starts his violent physical attacks, so they feel isolated and embarrassed and stay while praying for him to change or for herself to feel less pain.

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    that may be....but this was my best friend, my daughters father, and he hit me while I was pregnant with her.....nothing could hurt more than that. I know what he is going thru a transition, I could have used it as an excuse, I know that he only remembers his father beating his mother, I could have used it as an excuse, We were best friends every since age 13, I could have used that as an excuse....but I summed all this shyt up to realize IT WASN'T, infact its the very reason why he shouldn't have put his hands on me in the first place. More importantly I was 4 months pregnant with his own flesh and blood, and I couldn't get over the fact that he got angry enough to hit me anyway.......what should I expect after I have the baby, what should I expect him to do to her??!!! Every time had the nerve to entertain giving him another chance I thought of how STUPID i sounded and how STUPID i felt for even considering it and I cried my self to sleep many nights and let him GO! I didn't have support...some people thought I should take him back....thank God for strength cuz thats all I had to help me. I guess since we had been the dynamic duo as friends for so long people hated to see us at odds, but it had to be done.....I had to walk away from the best friend I've ever had.....and that was more than hard.....i can't even describe it. :sad: You just have to WALK AWAY, there is nothing you can do to change a person that doesn't want to change, you are NOT GOD...I just women would LOVE themselves.....LOVE YOU....please!! forget the kids, forget the man, for get your bills, forget being alone......LOVE YOU!

  • Al-Ameera

    I totally agree with 104 as well. Your responsibility is to get the he.ll away from the person. When you stay all you are doing is letting the person keep beating on you.

    That is the whole point I am making. I dont get why you guys want to justify staying with an abuser. Like cuz you didnt want them to keep being you they should have stopped. OK wait around for that day. You'll probably die first.

  • KrayZKat

    @Ms. Everything - I don't even know where to begin. Just wow!!! Thank God for your baby's testimony. Lord knows at the age of 4, who, unfornately even had to be put in that situation. He sounds like he was your angel as well.

  • Silhouette

    @Nichelle I agree. I love you my sister and I love your message. I read your blog all the time.

  • http://www.twitter.com/karazinatl KaraZ

    @Ms.Everything, I'm glad that you got out and even if you're not the same physically at least you're safe. I have a question, hopefully its not too personal. Did you know he was a user? Or did he start using during the course of your relationship?

    Having dated a coke head in college, I do know that substance abuse changes people drastically.

  • Krysi J

    IMO People who stay with cheaters or abusers are definitely responsible for ONLY THEIR reactions to the abuser/cheater’s actions but still are not responsible for the cheaters or abusers actions!!! I’ve committed enough sins/mistakes on my own, I be damned if I take the responsibility for another adult’s actions.

    --------------------------------------------------------

    Then why would anyone stay in that situation after the abuse and cheating has occurred?? Who can you blame for that decision ....LOVE?

  • SangriaSugar

    @Nichelle - :hug: Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom...it brought tears to my eyes. God was looking out for you that day and knew exactly what you needed to hear.

  • pinksghetti

    Hearing all this stories (abuse, cheating) makes a person want to stay single. If a person has a good man or woman they better hold on to them because they seem rare and getting rarer all the time. The Bible says in the last days there would be "no natural affection", it seems to be truer than ever.

  • crzasallgetout

    *sighs*
    I thank GOD for giving me the insight and mindset to get out because HUMANS can tear you down and judge you and call it help.

    " the only help I NEED TO LIVE IS UNPROFESSIONAL, the only wealth I have to give is not material and if you need much more than that I'm not available...Lauryn Hill

  • Ms.Everything

    @gagirl.. okay let me explain something about myself, my self esteem has NEVER and I repeat NEVER been low. I was taught early on that I was beautiful and smart and have always known my self worth as a matter of fact it was my self pride and self esteem that caused him to hit me the very first stime in an attempt to break it which he was never able to do after years of trying. And it was my pride that kept me from getting help because I was afraid of what people like you and someothers who have commented would say and it is that same fear rhat keeps other women locked up in the abusive hellhole that life with an abuser is. So I'm glad that you were able to get out after he jacked you into a wall but don't put down judge or criticize those who were not able to for whatever reason. Just like those who would rather blame the jumpoff for breaking up a home instead if the man that is the same way that you and others would rather put down insult and blame the women who have been abused and then wonder why women are ashamed to come forward and ask for help

  • Ms.kaylamomma

    These stories are bringing tears to my eyes. I'm so glad to hear everyone is okay :hugs:

    @Ms.Everything, wow, I'm glad you're still here. There are so many women out there that can't say that. Keep believing in God.
    @Nichelle, love your stories. You definitely should speak out to DV shelters and young girls that think its "cute" that men are showing their jealous side towards them.

  • Krysi J

    Dear GOD @ #110

    :sad: ...*almost in tears*

    why? Who took the soul of the woman you look at in the mirror....what happened in your life that made you want to try and make things work with this man.....what happened to you? :sad:

  • SangriaSugar

    I think we all need to e-hug!!

    Cause all this talking is helping us and others who read this...this is a therapy session right now. Whether we agree with women who stayed for years or women who got hit once and threw in the gloves...the point is God brought us out and gave us a story to pass on to other females, young and old, who are still struggling!!

    :hug:

  • Krysi J

    :claps: @ Nichelle comment #106

  • crzasallgetout

    @MS.Everything

    I applaud you!! YOu're very strong in my eyes and it WASN'T your fault for being with him or staying. The fact is that you're here now and can talk about it. God takes you through things to bring you out of them. He NEVER puts more on you than you can bear. He wanted you to know your worth and I'm sure you do. Don't let some of these comments make you think otherwise!! I've been there and done that. *e hugs you* And co sign on the jumpoff part.

  • BROWNSUGAPOET

    Krysipoo, you have email

  • BROWNSUGAPOET

    I'm out so you ladies have a good weekend!

  • crzasallgetout

    @125 exactly!!

    It is nothing but GOD. Everybody does things different. Hell I'm 33 and said as a young girl that I'd never be a statisic and have a baby out of wedlock. Now I'm married with zero kids. Some women leave early and some leave later. The point is as long as you leave. I refuse to feel bad about myself for not leaving sooner.

  • Ms.Everything

    @Al I was referring to Karaz's statement about lifetime/oxygen movies that part of my comment wasn't for you. But in reference to yours I've been in one abusive relationship he was my first and my last so while some women seek out men with certain traits that actually doesn't apply to me. As far as me getting out at the time I was in my early 20's in a state where I knew very few people with three small children and a newborn making better than minimum wage but not enough to ort us without his income and had nowhere to go. I couldn't fathom being in a shelter and needed the support of my family and friends if I was going to make it and the last thing I wanted was for anyone to see me as weak, with no esteem or appear a victim or to blame me. Which is why I'm saying to everyone on here judging that the attitude you have is the same attitude that keeps so many women in these situations

  • http://nwmasssmedia.com NichelleWalker/nwmasssmedia.com

    Thank you ladies, so much..... I just want to say to anybody life comes with struggles and blessings. Embrace them and grow and don't let the bad take over your life. I've truly been to edge of the ledge and I didn't jump...I guess to sum it up you can't hold a good woman...Cuz I am here, and I love me some me...After the storm comes the sun and better days.... God is so Good and he sees all and he will take care of you when you at least expect him to. He's always on time....

  • crzasallgetout

    ^^^^^^^ SAY THAT AGAIN^^^ the vast majority of comments aren't helping the women that are still IN this situation.

  • crzasallgetout

    my comment was for 131

  • pinksghetti

    I made my comment after I read about Stacey Dash and before I read the comments. Thank you ladies for sharing your stories to let people know they can get out of abusive situations and letting women (or men) know they are not alone.

  • Ms.Everything

    I should have said support us in my last comment

    @ Karaz I had no idea. I knew he smoked weed but he stopped around the birth of our second child and I suspected he'd started back but was unsure. During my last pregnancy I started noticing something was off but didn't know what. I tried talking to his mom and friends about my suspicions and they brushed it off as nonsense. After he was arrested that last time they put him in court ordered rehab and it turned out he'd been on meth the whole time but I guess he went from recreational to junkie and that's when I started noticing. Until that happened I didn't even know what meth was or what the warning signs were but when I started researching it, I found that the signs were there for awhile but I didn't know what to look for.

  • Krysi J

    checking Brownsuga!

  • aqtpie

    Krysi J Says:
    Then why would anyone stay in that situation after the abuse and cheating has occurred?? Who can you blame for that decision ….LOVE?
    ___________
    I don't know if I can answer that because I have never experienced it (well not to my knowledge *cheating). IMO staying or leaving would be a REACTION to a cheater or abuser's actions. Like I said I feel as an adult I am ONLY responsible for my ACTIONS and REACTIONS, not another adult's actions.

  • Al-Ameera

    @ Ms Everything, read all the post I made on hear about this I have NEVER said that the women had no self esteem or were weak, none of that. What I am saying is call it what it is. Again I have been there and had no family and know how it is. But we as women have to stop romanticizing these situations, like just stick by him, you guys can work it out, people use to tell me that vows said thru good and bad, sickness and health and that abuse was a sickness and I freakin stayed!

    Now I am out and have a great man but I carry so much baggage I have a 4 inch scar where he cut me with a razor, my bottom front tooth is was chipped but I got I fixed and I have a permanent scar under my left eye from all the black eyes I had, not to mention the emotional scars (to the point I was trying to push the one I have now away but he said he wasn’t going nowhere). At what point were we going to work it out? When he finally killed me?

    Women don’t need coddling and sympathy in these situation cuz that makes them think “oooh it’s not so bad” F that it is horrible and you do your kids and yourself a huge disservice by staying, not to mention the cycle it starts with your kids. CB said his step father beat his mom so much and he was so scared he use to pee in the bed. Had his mom not been in that situation maybe this SR wouldn’t keep talking about him beatin on Ri Ri

  • Ms.Everything

    @ crzy thank you. I'm blessed that I made it through I just wish people were more understanding of things like this

  • crzasallgetout

    I wish that too. Blaming the women for not leaving when they(the outsider) think is time just does nothing. Making them feel bad about it doesn't either. I'm almost sick to my stomach just reading some of them. But it is what it is. No one can people another person in a heaven or hell.

  • crzasallgetout

    people=put

  • cheeks8683

    :-( WOW! Reading this thread has really tugged on my heart. I did not realize so many of y'all have been in abusive relationships. I try not to judge anyone for staying because that love thing is a hellofadrug...I mayself have never been struck by a man, thank God but I will :pray: that I never will and I will keep all of y'all in my prayers for strength...because its hard. I remember seeing my mother abused when I was a teenager once...u know what my crazy but did? I jumped on that dude...sure did I jumped on him when his back was turned and u know what? That actually made him stop...And u know what my mom did? She made him leave that day. True story, cause once I got involved all bets where off. I don't condone that behavior, I mean I was kid kid jumping on a grown arse man but I figure I did what I had to do to get my mom out. Guys say I'm mean and constatntly in defense mode...hey, I can't help it.... lol...don't play with me!

  • Krysi J

    Like I said I feel as an adult I am ONLY responsible for my ACTIONS and REACTIONS, not another adult’s actions.
    -----------------------------------------------------------

    soooooooo, if your reaction or action is to stay??? Who can you blame for remaining there to continue getting abused or cheated on???

  • Candi Apple

    Everyone has their own rock bottom. Time line means nothing some people stay longer than others. The bottom line is they got out and moved on. Some people believe they can change a person some people know they can't.
    Blessing to all the women who got out and the ones who are getting out and pray for the ones who stay.

  • Ms.Everything

    @Al you didn't say that I know but gagirl did. Sorry if I directed my response to her to you. I'm running around and using my phone. I understand and I'm not saying coddle women in these situations but calling them weak as she did and questioning their self esteem is not helpful. Those who are already out simply need love and support from those they reach out to not blame. And those who are in the situation now and reading this need to know they can overcome it and get through. Everyone who's been through this has a reason why they stayed and what is petty to some could be a huge burden to the next. Honestly, had I been in my own state I likely would've gotten out sooner but here where I didn't have a support system behind me it took 4 years from the first hit to get out and I just thank God for keeping me that long so I can be here to tell my story, and I thank Him for you, Nichelle and others. Looking back I wish id left sooner but I can't go back and change the past all I can do is move forward and try to help someone else. While I'm vocal on here and in public I still don't speak to my family and friends about it because they still would rather judge and blame me vs support me

  • Krysi J

    I wish that too. Blaming the women for not leaving when they(the outsider) think is time just does nothing. Making them feel bad about it doesn’t either. I’m almost sick to my stomach just reading some of them. But it is what it is. No one can people another person in a heaven or hell.

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    OK, i can understand why you think women who comment otherwise are not sympathetic, but its not like that....all i'm saying is look at the excuses being used...no income??!! no family??!! kids??!! therapy??!! so you gon let a niccah kill you.........over some bills, not wanting to stay in a shelter where they protect you when the police won't, kids who will possibly grow up to do the same thing as their father like my best friend did or be in an abusive relationship with a man like their father, and for people who charge you by the hour, but won't vouch for you when the police don't do you any service?? Nobody has to admit it, but women would rather prove others wrong about......having to get a divorce,having be a single mother, or choosing to be alone until you meet the right man before they let those people point fingers at them for attempting to be in a happier situation. Women will LOVE a whole damn county of people MORE than she will LOVE herself.

  • crzasallgetout

    @ Candi
    Rock bottom..that sums it up. YOU have to hit it before you really understand the situation.

    I had a friend that found out that I had been hit by my then boyfriend and she was oh you need to leave this and I'd never be able to do this and that. I understood where she was coming from but I it hadn't registered to ME yet. I also couldn't find comfort in what she was saying because she was/is with a married man for 10+ years and is waiting on him to leave his wife. Yeah you're my motivator. lol. But it didn't take me years to leave but unfortunately I didn't leave when I should've. Can't erase the past. I take it as a lesson learned.

  • crzasallgetout

    but women would rather prove others wrong about

    I almost teared up when I read this because that was MY reason. Not the income( I made more than him, or kids( no kids0, or family( idk about this one haha)but the proving something got me. I love me some ME that is an understatement but I didn't want to be judged. It took someone telling me over and over again that People will always have something to say and they can't run your life for you. I left when I got tired. I prayed for peace and to this day I still pray for it. I'm happily married but I STILL pray for peace and thank God that he has brought me out of a dark place.

  • aqtpie

    My opinion is you are 1,000,000% responsible for your choice to stay or leave, you are still not responsible for a man putting his hands on you!!! If you chose to stay with a cheater or abuser and they continue to cheat or abuse you, your biggest fault is staying, his is not keeping his hands to himself. You can't make someone hit you, or cheat on you but you can make yourself stay or leave. I agree that you have to take fault for not leaving but I will definitely not agree that you can control a grown a$$ man's dyck or hands.

    Again it's just my opinion and not everyone may agree and that's cool with me. I embrace diversity and different opinions.

  • aqtpie

    Everyone have a great weekend!!!

  • http://createspace.com/3393054 iscream

    @ ms everything

    :hug:

    @ krysi

    Your comment about women staying to prove a point or to not be labeled.. :clap:

    This has been a great day on SR.com a lot of deep/personal post were made. Thanks Sandra for bringing us all together. :)

  • gypsyeyes

    Wow just wow. I'm in tears reading this. I can't say that I have been in a situation like this but you guys that have been have now let me know what courage is. I thank God that he has brought you through this. With this you don't know who you may have helped. God Bless you all.

  • Ms.Everything

    Krysi if you pop back in I get what you are saying but at the time that was a lot and my so called support system was telling me that I couldn't go off and leave my husband, the father of my kids and be okay. The whole children need a father, you don't want to be a statistic bullshit that gets fed to a million and one women each day. Granted they didn't know the full extent of it all but even know that the truth is out I have an aunt still calling me stupid for leaving. It took time to get myself ready to leave, of building myself up mentally and saying ok you can do this and it was hard. The day he left I snapped and he kicked me out the bed and I turned and smacked the shit out of him and was ready to fight. My friends were staying over because id had surgery and needed help plus I had a feeling he'd relapsed and they said that smack echoed through the walls and they came running got there right before he picked up some shit to throw at me and whupped his ass out the front door. I never looked back but I had to be ready to face my life alone and it hasn't been easy at all but I haven't looked back. But what looks like a speedbump to one person can be a mountain to the next

  • http://nwmasssmedia.com NichelleWalker/nwmasssmedia.com

    Ms Everything I just read all your comments and I am sorry for all you've been through. I understand about not agreeing and belive me I don't blame any woman for a mans action. I am speaking for were I am in my life. And I never said it was my falut or any other woman for aan putting his hands. I know I forgave the unforgivable many times over. It was to the point I wrote a letter and hid it at my desk at work just in case because I turly didn't think I would make it. My bottom line is I had to forgive myself for what I allowed to happen and my ex has to deal with what he's done to me his family and himself. I needed to see all my wrong and mistakes so I won't make them again. So I understand where u coming from just for me I won't Point he finger on my life becase I need to understand my wrong which was beliving and forgiving. I agree all women pick a reason but none of them are good enough to stay and that's my only mission as I walk to women I've been there and there's no reason so stop trying to find one and get out. But I will never make a women feel like it was her fault but I do want u to see where we went wrong becaue it was a wrong turn made

  • http://www.twitter.com/karazinatl KaraZ

    @Ms.Everything I'm there with you, at the time I'd only heard about cocaine in after school specials and didn't think I knew anyone who used it, so I missed all the signs of his cocaine abuse. I broke up with him before I found out what the issue was, but finding that out made things make more sense to me. I know how drastically it changed dude physically & personality wise and how unpredictable/unreliable the addiction made him, so I can relate to you saying you didn't see his mess coming... you couldn't have.

  • http://nwmasssmedia.com NichelleWalker/nwmasssmedia.com

    Sorry for the misspelling....also for me i have a daughter and I don't want her to forgive so I stand firm on it's never a reason to stay god bless u....,. I wrote a post strip yourself and let it all go check it out. God bless u girlie..... I don't want any getting that impression of me........we all grown folks and have to be responsble for what we do and what we put up with that's all have a blessed weeked

  • Ms.Everything

    K@Nichelle I understand what you are saying. I spent many years both during and after blaming myself not for me staying but for not doing more to help him overcome his addiction because that is what caused the mental illness that led to the abuse. I spent even more time.questioning why I didn't see the signs. The only drugs I knew were.weed, crack and heroin and he didn't have any telltale signs of those. Sometimes I would look at my kids and ask why I couldn't fight harder for them so they wouldn't have to experience that and it took him telling me about a year ago that I could not have prevented any of it for it to sink in that it wasn't my fault and I cant describe the peace I had after that. Plus I know that God let's everything happen for a reason and for whatever reason I needed to experience that. I'm a stronger woman for it, I have a story to tell and even in terms of him our fight while I was pregnant unmasked the demon he'd been hiding for years and it came out for all to see so that his mom and friends could no longer justify his behavior. He is still battling it but we've all decided he has to hit rock bottom. And my girls saw my fight my struggle and I believe their stronger, my son is in counseling but he is doing excellent and is my biggest supporter. So for some it takes them to stop playing victim and look for their role in the mess for me it took releasing the blame from myself and putting it back on him. But I do understand where you are coming from and your site is great. I've checked it out from time to time for awhile now

    @Karaz, that was the thing it took me awhile to get that there was no way I could have seen that coming but to look at him now knowing what I know its so clear. He used to have the most beautiful skin and its ruined now, he's skin and bones, teeth are falling out he is on true junkie status now. I'm just keeping my policy on him because I can already see the end is coming sooner than later and it kills me to know that one day soon I will likely be burying him

  • Anna

    I think that anyone who has been in a DV relationship automatically blames themselves. We beat ourselves up wondering what did I did wrong this time. The only thing we are guilty of is falling in love with the wrong person. There were several times I went back knowing it was only going to be good for 1-3 months. The last time I know I could not take him back because it was so hard to get him out of the household. I am happily married, and you can't buy peace of mind. Thanks for sharing your stories ladies. Me and my ex are past all of it, we can be in the same room and we don't argue, fight or give each other the side eye. We had kids to co parent and they turned out great. I found strength looking at my kids and knowing I had to stop this before it became a inherited cycle. My kids are in healthy happy relationships. That's what it's all about.